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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Sep 8th, 2013


This week brings a new crop of celestial prognostications.

Our staff has spent the past few days in total concentration to find the best advice known to mankind regarding your particular situation.

Remember, the stars and planets give us these indications.

All we do is report them to you, our very special celestial friends and family.

Enjoy…

Aries… You are ruled by Mars, so get your act together. Your allergy symptoms will subside when you stop sleeping on a bed of drier lint.

Taurus…Venus controls your every move, so watch out. Don’t date a geometry teacher unless you are willing to run around in circles.

Gemini… Mercury is your astrological planet. Obey it or else. Just because you have a great batter recipe doesn’t mean you are eligible for the big leagues.

Cancer… The moon is in Cancer now. It’s so bright, it may keep you awake nights. You will fall in love with a greyhound, only to break up after dating the fake rabbit from the dog track.

Leo… The sun is your sign. This week you may encounter a bowl of Chipotle, Nick Nolte, and/or a Truman Capote fan.

Virgo… Mercury rules the roost for you. Don’t date a hosier salesman. If you break up he/she could end up staking you.

Libra… Venus is your primary planet. You will gain favor with your boss when you stop including the words, “toad face” in your daily greeting.

Scorpio… Pluto is your planet. It rules your every moment. You are always tired because you breathe too heavily. Lighten up.  Listen to Dennis Miller once in a while.

Sagittarius… Jupiter reigns supreme for you. Sleeping in grime is not a crime, but it could get quite dirty.

Capricorn… Saturn dominates your life. Tell your friends they are definitely wrong. If you are diagnosed as bi-polar, you will not have to live alternately in the Arctic and Antarctica.

Aquarius… Uranus is your ruling planet. You will soon be as popular as a topical anesthetic.

Pisces… Neptune rules the house. You enemies are out to make you look glandular.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

 

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU!


I am happy to announce that I now have 200 followers of this blog. I know it’s a small number compared to other blogs, but I’m happy about it.

Thanks to all you new followers, and those who have been with me for the past sixteen months.

It’s not the number of folks who follow, but the quality of them. I can tell by your comments and faithfulness, that you are the cream of the crop.

I hope I can continue to meet your expectations in the months to follow.

You are the greatest!

Thanks again.

Your HORRORSCOPE for the Week of April 1st, 2012


Aries… Relax. Your friends and family don’t know you’re sleeping with a veal cutlet.

Taurus… Chin up. Your Neptune in Aries says you’ll have an exciting evening with a set of twins as you discuss Proust with them.

Gemini…  Your fame will increase triple fold when you announce opening chess gambits in your neighbor’s underwear.

Cancer… Someone in a gorilla suit will steal your egg salad recipe.

Leo… Hold on to your undies. A big wind is coming your way

Virgo… Relax. There’s no monster under your bed. He’s now hiding in the closet.

Libra… Mercury will be in retrograde soon. Be ready for an influx of insurance salesmen in your neighborhood next Saturday AM.

Scorpio… Your sun sign is on the cusp. Use liberal amounts of hand sanitizer on, you know where. That should clear up, you know what.

Sagittarius… Watch out for planetary transits. The transit workers are about to go on strike demanding free daily Horrorscopes.

Capricorn… Soon your health will be in jeopardy, or maybe LINGO, but definitely on The Game Show Network.

Aquarius… You may have a detached retina now, but soon it will warm up to you.

Pisces…A stranger wearing only lasagna will ask you for a date.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Watch out fellows.


Here’s something to chew on.


This is a piece by guest blogger, Woody Brooks.

I met my friend Ralph again today. We usually meet every ­­­Sunday morning at a local coffee shop. We shoot the breeze over a couple of double mocha lattes and donuts. He likes the apple filled, I prefer the chocolate iced.

Ralph’s old and alone. He likes to talk, joke and poke fun at people.

Today, he was proud as could be. He flashed me the biggest smile I can remember. I couldn’t believe my eyes. His rather large lips parted like a stage curtain on opening night, only up and down, not sideways. They revealed a new set of dentures. Not the ordinary kind that you see in ads on television or in dentists offices. These baby’s were authentic Billy Bob teeth. If you don’t know what Billy Bob teeth are, look it up. You may like them too.

“They’re certainly eye catching,” I said.

“You’re right, Woody. I can’t keep the woman away from me since I started wearing ‘em.”

“Really?”

“Cross my heart, it’s true. You like ‘em? I mean the teeth, not the women.”

“Outside of the fact they look like a fence with a couple of boards missing, they’re all right. Do you actually use them, or is this another one of your put-ons?”

He laughed. “Put-on? Dentures? You like put ‘em on? That’s funny.”

“Thanks, Ralph.”

“Guess where I got ‘em?”

“I don’t know. Denture World, Dentures R Us? The Bass Pro Shop?”

“No. I got ‘em at the dollar store in the Palmetto Mall. It’s the place with all the abandoned stores, except for that Dollarama, Spencer’s Gifts and Hot topic.”

“I know the place.”

Guess what I paid for ‘em?”

I had to be careful. Ralph had a way with trick questions.

“You mean the women or the teeth?

“The teeth you idiot.”

“I’d say you paid about a dollar seven.”

“Clever boy, I thought I’d catch you on the sales tax. You’re too smart for me. Can’t fool college people.”

“You’d be surprised how often college grads get fooled every day by the government alone.”

“I hear you.”

“What  made you buy Billy Bob’s in the first place? You have your own set of choppers from that DDS in Winter Garden.”

“Well just between us, those dentures  never fit right. They were loose. They clacked like a duck’s bill. They made my eyes tear up whenever I bit into an ear of sweet corn or a hard nut. But, these Billy Bob’s fit just great. No clacking. No ducks following me around anymore. I can even bite into an apple like they do in those TV commercials about that Polident glue. And, they’re cheap. I bought a  dozen of them, just in case.”

“Just in case?”

“In case I swallow ‘em, or sit on ‘em or lose ‘em, or something.”

“Swallow them?”

“You never know. I was a boy scout. I have to be prepared for anything.” He showed me another set of Billy’s still in their blister pack, and his official Boy Scouts of America membership card dated June 1st, 1942.

“Are you sure these are safe to put into your mouth?”

“Why wouldn’t they be safe, amigo?”

“They were made in China. There is a warning on the back which says these teeth should not be put into your mouth. There’s also a choking warning for kids under three. And, the teeth fall apart when wet.”

“Yeah, nice try, but I’m not buying any of that.”

“It’s true. See for yourself. There’s also a warning about lead paint used in the manufacturing of the teeth.” I gave him the package.

“Lead schmed. I like ‘em, and I’m gonna use ‘em. You can’t talk me out of it.”

We sat there for a while in cool silence, eating our sugar laden breakfast treats and sipping hot coffee.

Ralph sprung up from his seat. “Son of a…”

“What’s wrong buddy? You okay?”

“I just swallowed my Billy Bob’s. They dissolved like a sugar cube. I bet the hot java had something to do with it. I’ll probably die from lead poisoning. I’m going to sue this joint for everything they got, like that woman who spilled hot coffee in her lap.”

“Take it easy. Remember the warnings on the package? Your claims wouldn’t have a chance in court.”

“I think I’m going to be sick.” He ran to the restroom. Dozens of curious faces followed Ralph’s roaring rush.

Henrietta, the manager, came over to me. “Is Ralph all right? “

“He’ll be okay. He just swallowed his Billy Bob teeth.”

“Not again. I warned him about them two days ago.”

I laughed. “When he comes out, tell him I’ll see him next week.”

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