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Your HORROR – scope for the week of May 19th, 2013


This week, the celestial bodies have revealed a pattern which frankly frightens us. In fact we may have developed a phobia over their relationships.

Of course, their positions in the Celestial Sphere directly affect your lives in frightful ways.

Don’t panic.

Your immediate future reveals a temporary condition.

It will be over before you know it—or not.

Be prepared.

Here goes.

Aries… Saturn is descending now at a great speed and it feels great. We hope you like late night TV. You will suddenly develop a fear of sleeping.

Taurus… The Moon is in its first quarter. That’s small change. Your sudden fear of air will take your breath away.

Gemini… Neptune is trine with Pluto at the moment. Try not to travel this week. You must first come to grips with your fear of luggage.

Cancer… The Earth is in its seventh house again getting ready for new tenants. Have a broom handy this week. There will be a web of mystery over your sudden fear of spiders.

Leo… Venus is on the cusp of Saturn. You may wish you never learned how to spell. You will fear all things with vowels in their names.

Virgo… Mars is at its perigee now. Please don’t  go postal. There will be no way to stamp out your fear of mail.

Libra… Uranus is square with the Sun. Keep a low profile this week. Your fear of heights will prevent you from attending basketball games.

Scorpio… Mercury is in retrograde at the moment. Try to keep dry this week. Your life will be awash in fear after you develop a phobia of plumbing.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is on the cusp with Neptune now. Avoid all Ring Masters this week. Your life will become a circus after you develop a fear of clowns.

Capricorn… Pluto is trine with Neptune now. You must sit this week out. Your life will come to a temporary stand still when you discover your fear of feet.

Aquarius… The sun has just released three solar flares. Find a cave immediately. You will have a desire to become a hermit when you begin to fear conversation, especially with Dennis Miller.

Pisces…Saturn is descending at the moment. Your mobility will be curtailed when you suddenly develop a fear of floors.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.

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Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of May 5th, 2013


Our analysis of the stars in the Celestial Sky bugged us this week.

We couldn’t figure it out at first.

Suddenly, it hit us like a bug hitting the windshield of a speeding car.

The planets are aligned just right to indicate future happenings in the insect world.

Oddly enough, they relate to you in various ways.

We hope you aren’t allergic to any type of insect.

We also hope you do not suffer from any kind of insect phobias.

Good luck, and try not to scratch too much. You could get an infection. 

Aries… Mercury is cooling now. Your ant colony will suddenly demand statehood.

Taurus… Saturn is in its apogee at this time. Your praying mantis is actually an atheist.

Gemini… Venus is trine with the Moon now. You will awaken to find that a nest of carpenter ants have built an addition to your dwelling.

Cancer… Neptune is square with Mercury. You will dial 911 and ask for a Dalmatian when you sit on a Fire Ant mound.

Leo… The Moon is getting smaller in the night sky. You will be smitten by the scent of a centipede.

Virgo… The Earth is rising now. You will be poked in the ribs by a rain forest stick bug.

Libra… Pluto is trine with the rising Earth. Your stink bug, and Dennis Miller, will embarrass you in public gatherings.

Scorpio… Jupiter is declining at the moment. You will witness the execution of killer bees.

Sagittarius… Mars is its perigee now. You will elope with a locust, but your relationship will only last for seven years.

Capricorn… Uranus is in its seventh house. You will be proud when your cricket is asked to join a local Cricket Club.

Aquarius… Neptune is square with Mercury and is rising now. You will have the winning bid at an auction for a Carmen Miranda hat, only to find it is full of fruit flies.

Pisces…Saturn is trine with itself. You will tell your family of your desire to marry an earwig, but they will say they never heard of such a thing.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.

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Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Mar 10th, 2013


There is weirdness and wonderment in the Celestial Sphere this week.

Some of you may be happy with the outcome.

Many of you won’t.

But, don’t blame us for any misfortune you may encounter.

Blame the heavenly bodies which control your every action and reaction.

Enjoy…..

Aries… Venus is in retrograde at this time. You will find the weight you lost. It will appear in unflattering places.

Taurus… Mercury is rising now. Be careful this week. A Foley Artist wants to sound you out.

Gemini… The moon is in its perigee now. You will go deep in debt if you buy wedding gifts for seven brides for seven brothers.

Cancer… Neptune is in its fourth house meeting prospective buyers. Don’t be surprised when people mistake you for a thesaurus.

Leo…Saturn is on the cusp with Mars. Be wise. Don’t let a flamenco dancer step all over you.

Virgo… Uranus is rising at the moment. You will be stalked by a furtive futon while listening to The Dennis Miller Radio Show.

Libra… Mars is on the cusp with Venus. Your family will not be happy when you announce your engagement to a Furby.

Scorpio… The Earth is in its seventh house meeting with a Realtor. You will be swept off your feet by a chimney sweep.

Sagittarius…Pluto is in retrograde at this time. Your life will become as complicated as an Escher drawing.

Capricorn…Venus is rising now. Don’t be surprised when you discover that your fisherman lover is a hooker.

Aquarius…The moon is in its fourth house at the mment. You will soon become very familiar with a tape worm. And you will not measure up to the challenge.

Pisces…Mars is in retrograde and on the cusp with Venus. Be aware of a floundering flounder, a rowdy rounder, and a brash bounder.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.

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Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Feb 17th, 2013


Aries… The moon is in its fourth house cleaning up after a party. You will encounter peaches, leeches, screeches, and abandoned beaches.

Taurus…Uranus is rising now. You may want to put some warmth in your life, but baking yourself in a casserole is not the answer.

Gemini…Saturn is in retrograde. Now that you have stopped borrowing, your family wants you to stop burrowing.

Cancer…Mars is on the cusp of the Moon. As much as you’d like to believe it, building a boat out of sand paper will not necessarily result in smooth sailing.

Leo…Mercury is in opposition to Uranus now. Be extra cautious when going to bed this week. You have a tendency to hibernate.

Virgo… The Earth is trine with Neptune now. You will suddenly turn mean, then green, while in a mezzanine.

Libra…Pluto is in retrograde. You have a future in mosquito washing. Get going.

Scorpio… Mercury is trine and favorable to Scorpios. You will awaken to find you are discontinued.

Sagittarius…Venus is in its fifth house waiting for a realtor. You will be accused of coloring outside the lines of a Dennis Miller sketch.

Capricorn…Jupiter is in hyperbolic now. A FEDEX employee will accuse you of thinking out of the box.

Aquarius…Saturn is rising now. Beware of a crusty barnacle, a broken monocle, and a red popsicle.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.

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Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Feb 10th, 2013


Well this week hosts one of our favorite specials days.

Yes, it’s Valentine’s Day.

According to Random Facts, “The term “love” is from the Sanskrit lubhyati, meaning “desire.” http://facts.randomhistory.com/2009/08/04_love.html

They also report, “The enduring symbol of love, Cupid (or Eros) is said to have come from Chaos (“The Yawning Void”) and represents the primitive forces of love and desire.”

After an exhaustive search, we determined that there are between thirty and three thousand songs with the word “love” in the title.

We know, that’s a bit vague, but love tends to be that way sometimes.

If someone knows the exact number, feel free to post it.

So, just for you, the planets aligned themselves in the exact order to provide you with personal predictions of love.

You’ve probably heard of the saying, “Love makes the world go round”.

We are here to help you find satisfaction in your pursuit of love this week.

Isn’t love great?

Aries… You will awaken to discover that you beloved beta fish has left you for a neon tetra.

Taurus… You may think you love that zombie, but you are dead wrong.

Gemini… Your love for a dust mite is fine, but don’t expect it to pick up the check when dining out.

Cancer… Calling you lover a pet name is nice, but you should reconsider the name, Fido.

Leo…. You will be trapped in a love triangle with two Game Wardens.

Virgo… You will be attracted to a lion tamer, a computer gamer and a constant blamer.

Libra… Your family will be stunned to discover that your new lover is a jelly fish.

Scorpio… Remember this. Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

Sagittarius… Your confusion over who to choose as a love interest may not be obvious to you, but it’s quite clear to us when our choices are either Dennis Miller or a serial killer.

Capricorn… You will be gambling with love if you keep seeing that blackjack dealer.

Aquarius… Just because you are interested marathon races doesn’t mean your love interest wants to run off with you.

Pisces… Think about it. Are you really sure you want to marry a parasite?

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Jan. 13th, 2013


This week the planets in the Celestial Sphere were a bit more difficult to interpret, but we managed to get it done.

We hope these forecasts will alert you in sufficient time to avoid any unfortunate outcomes.

Thank you for following our predictions.

Stay alert.

 

Aries… Venus is on the cusp with Mars. You will have the urge to float, buy a boat, and gloat

Taurus… Mercury is rising now, especially in the Southern Hemisphere.  This week, you may be troubled by a lounge lizard, a computer wizard, and a chicken gizzard.

Gemini…  Uranus is in retrograde now. Taking your medicine with a spoonful of sugar is fine, but stop swallowing the spoons.

Cancer… Mars is trine with the Earth now. This week you may encounter a box, some locks, a variety of clocks, and the Dennis Miller Show Call Screener.

Leo… Jupiter is aligned with the Moon. This week, be aware of your shins, and evil twin, and a crazy grin.

Virgo… Saturn is square with Mars. Stop shouting, “Wombats are wonderful” in social situations.

Libra… The sun is trine with Venus now. You will feel much discomfort after swallowing a flugelhorn.

Scorpio… The Earth is in its seventh house at the moment conferring with a realtor. You should know that your family loves you, but not as much as late night snacking.

Sagittarius… Pluto is trine with itself for some reason. This week, turn your attention toward a waiter, a gator, and The Equator

Capricorn… Uranus is in a favorable alignment with Venus now. This week you will find love in a cul de sac in Hackensack.

Aquarius… The moon is in transit now. You will awaken to find yourself trapped in an episode of a Sit-Com called, The Nanny.

Pisces…Neptune is in retrograde this week. Heed this advice. Stop bothering yourself. Otherwise, you won’t get anything done.

 

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Sept. 23rd, 2012


Aries… The sun is in trine with the moon. You will awaken to find that all your hand puppets have abandoned you.

Taurus…Uranus is having a urination problem. Your idea for a theme park based on graffiti will have failure written all over it.

Gemini… Mars is in opposition to Pluto over some Disney tickets. You will have a sudden uncontrollable interest in Lord of the Rings, Lord of the Dance, Lord of the Flies, and a biography of Jack Lord.

Cancer… Neptune is on the cusp of a cuspidor. You will win second place in the Dennis Miller look-alike contest. The winner will be a sasquatch.

Leo… Venus is having an anxiety attack now. You will mock madness in the moonlight at midnight in Maine in May.

Virgo… Earth is on the cusp of a cusp with Mars. You will awaken to find that you are still asleep.

Libra… The moon is in its second house which just went into foreclosure. You will suddenly find yourself bewitched, bothered, bewildered and a wildebeest.

Scorpio… Pluto is trine with Venus’ back yard. You will awaken to find that you have been turned into a living  doldrum.

Sagittarius… The moon may be losing its gravity over a gambling debt with Jupiter. Your identity will be stolen, but returned when the thief decides he’d rather be someone else.

Capricorn…Mercury is mad over mingling moonbeams. You will fall in love with a Quarterback, a Quarter Pounder, and a half chicken this week.

Aquarius… Neptune and Jupiter are trine and that’s fine. Take a sedative now. That song you hate will resonate in your mind all week.

Pisces…The sun is in its eleventh house which has a leaky roof and termites. You will awaken to find that you are a copy of yourself.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Sept. 16th, 2012


Aries… Mercury is in a bad mood resulting in opposition to everything right now. You will prance in a prairie with a prominent pickpocket from Poughkeepsie.

Taurus… Uranus is in its ninth house doing renovations. You may be into good looks for a mate. That’s understandable, and a bit shallow. But, why marry a turducken?

Gemini…The sun and the moon are conspiring. Don’t go to the beach this week. A Porifera will try to sponge off of you.

Cancer… Saturn is on the cusp of an asteroid. You will awaken to find that your only friends are your ear buds, and Dennis Miller.

Leo… Pluto is in a kennel while the other planets take a vacation. You will puke in Pontchartrain after a plethora of pleasing platitudes.

Virgo… Venus is juxtaposed to everything now. You will seek the advice of an Ophthalmologist when you have trouble focusing your mind’s eye this week.

Libra… Mars is in its fourth house collecting back rent. You will awaken to find yourself necking with a nectarine. It will not be fruitful.

Scorpio… The sun is trine with itself this week. You will be arrested for stalking a stocking.

Sagittarius… The moon is fixed at the moment. Your friends at work are reluctant to correct you on this. But, you should know that with few exceptions, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a cab.

Capricorn… Jupiter is opposed to Venus over some political polling results. Stop ending all your explanations of phenomena with, “And that’s why a bowling ball has three holes in it.” It’s getting old.

Aquarius… Neptune is out of commission and is recuperating in the celestial hospital. You will make the sound; “err” between each word in every sentence you speak this week.

Pisces…Uranus is square with Mars now. You will be hassled by airport security for having a pachyderm in your pocket.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Sep 2, 2012


Aries… Stop banging your head against the wall over Dennis Miller. Your neighbors don’t like all that noise.

Taurus… Your DIY project will be a disaster when you nail yourself to the floor.

Gemini…  You will be detained by airport security when you try to smuggle a walrus in your wallet.

Cancer… The news is out. Hide before it’s too late. They found out you are of a different species.

Leo… You will have a problem with a cat over your Oedi-pus tendencies.

Scorpio… The constant statement made at office meetings, “That’s fine if you consider in terms of underoos.” is getting old. Time for a change.

Sagittarius… You will be tickled senseless by a roving gang of Oompa Loompas.

Capricorn… Your chronic dandruff problem will cause you to look like a snow monkey.

Aquarius… You will awaken to find yourself in the bottom position of a totem pole.

Pisces…Your parents will not be happy about your engagement to a Mukluk.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Aug 26th, 2012


Aries… Mars is in its neighbor’s house. A potter is about to pop the question, “Do you want to buy this pot or what?”

Taurus…The moon is blue at this time. Just because it’s a pool table doesn’t mean you should place in a pool.

Gemini…Saturn is trine with Jupiter. Every time you see a policeman you will shout, “May the force be with you!”

Cancer… Neptune is on the cusp with Pluto. Your date with a horticulturist will turn bad when you get planted.

Leo… Mercury will be stationary this week. Bring a lot of change for the parking meter.

Virgo… Venus is out of phase now. You will find yourself discussing politics with a mannequin while sitting in a vat of hominy grits.

Libra… The Earth is a favorable place now. You will find true peace and harmony while bathing in a tub of granola with Dennis Miller.

Scorpio… The charts indicate good fortune for you. There is a pork pie hat in your future.

Sagittarius… Uranus and Saturn are fixed, and they don’t like it. You will soon be asked to appear on the new TV show, “Whisker Wars”.

Capricorn…The moon sextiles Saturn at this time. Liver and onions will be an obstacle to your romantic evening this week.

Aquarius… Venus is transiting Mars. Failure is not an option, but life will make an exception in your case.

Pisces…Uranus is in a new cycle now. Getting a tattoo is questionable, especially putting the word “Guacamole” on your forehead.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Astrology, Predictions

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