ARIES…Buy that dictionary you’re thinking of getting. It will help immensely when listening to The Dennis Miller Radio Show.
TAURUS… Your migraine headaches will cease when you remove your head from your butt.
GEMINI… Don’t worry about the theft of your identity. With your credit history, the joke will be on them.
CANCER… Take those skeletons out of your closet. You will be evicted soon. Oh, and the police are on their way.
LEO…Ease up. You are spending too much of your valuable time stopping your TIVO to read all those fine print disclaimers at the bottom of your screen during commercials.
VIRGO…Get rid of all those zits which have formed many of the constellations in the night sky. Your Astronomy Club members will appreciate it.
LIBRA…Run! Hide! Your local loan shark just got your new address after you posted it on Facebook.
SCORPIO…Stay close to the restrooms. That chocolate candy bar you stole from a co-worker’s lunch bag was laced with a potent laxative.
SAGITTARIUS… Give those certain people the information they want, or you will be forced to watch re-runs of Ellen in your Elmo underoos.
CAPRICORN…Watch out for low flying ducks and high flying schmucks.
AQUARIUS…Better get your booties on campers. It’s going to be cold outside.
PISCES…You will be thrown out of your college fraternity when they discover you are a closet crayon sniffer.
NOTE: See my post for March 7, 2012 for an important disclaimer