Aries… The world at large will soon discover you wear months of the year underwear.
Taurus… You will closely follow your Sun Sign, so be sure to wear a high numbered SPF cream.
Gemini…Run! Hide! Your local loan shark just got your new address after you posted it on Facebook.
Cancer… Stay close to the restrooms. That chocolate candy bar you stole from a co-worker’s lunch bag was laced with a potent laxative.
Leo …Heads up. Someone wants to slap you in your Facebook.
Virgo… Your desire to be chauffeured around will be fulfilled when you ride in the back of a police car.
Libra… Ready for a life changing event? You better be. Your karma will run of gas the day you leave your wallet at home.
Scorpio… Your local entomologist is going to bug you.
Sagittarius… It’s in the stars. The patent application for your toe jam processing machine will be denied.
Capricorn… Buy lots of tissues. The moon in Pices has the flu. Its lunar nodes will be running all night.
Aquarius… Your cusp with Virgo indicates if you add insult to injury you should be ready for a hefty sales tax.
Pisces….You will have a great following in life, (mostly from felines) until you take the fish out of your pants.
*Remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, Your Horoscope For Today:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”