Aries… You will find love, but it will never pick up a check while dining with you.
Taurus…Brain Teasers will mock you unceasingly this week.
Gemini… Be sure to follow Dr. Oz’s prescriptions to the letter. It could lead you to the Ruby Slippers.
Cancer… If Venus crosses Mars, you shouldn’t walk in another person’s shoes until you first check the soles. Who knows where they’ve been.
Leo… Refer all decisions to your proctologist this week due to a New Moon in your under wear.
Virgo… Before you mix and match your outfit for tomorrow’s important business meeting, be sure to wear those shorts with the red hearts.
Libra… When the moon is in the seventh house, watch for real estate values to drop.
Scorpio… Cosmic Law says Pices should not be intimate with clams next Thursday.
Capricorn… Watch out where you sit today. The sun’s juxtaposition with Saturn indicates suppositories will definitely enter your life.
Aquarius… Don’t bother to search your soul for your destiny. It’s hiding in your closet under that pile of trash bags you haven’t thrown out.
Pisces…Your Venus is in Taurus. And you thought it just went to the drug store for some Kold-EEEZ.