Aries… You came up with the winning Power Ball numbers. Unfortunately they’re under twenty tons of trash right now.
Taurus… The stars have crossed. Love is in the air. You will have a heavy date soon. Hope you like sumo wrestlers.
Gemini… Leo is on the cusp and is about to mix it up with your best friend. That means your speech impediment can easily be cured. Just take your foot out of your mouth.
Cancer… Libra’s trine with wine indicates you should have that surgery. Half a brain is better than none.
Leo… Pluto’s alignment at the auto center tells us you cannot find your perfect match. So, rub two sticks together.
Virgo… Neptune is angry with Virgo because he left cracker crumbs in bed again. You will be stalked by a leg of lamb on the hunt for a great mint sauce recipe.
Libra… Act quickly Libras. The moons of Mars are rising fast. So are gas prices.
Scorpio… Soon Jupiter will align with Mars. That’s when they will plot against you.
Sagittarius… A Virgo moon in trine with Jupiter and Neptune will prompt you to smear ointment on your neighbor’s jowls. Do it already!
Capricorn… Your Virgo moon is in retrograde. You should change your underwear immediately.
Aquarius… Leo is in opposition to your moon over Miami. You’re right. The best place to trace your family tree is at the monkey house.
Pisces…Gemini tendencies are tempting you. Listen to that wise old owl. After all, he is in, “Who’s Hoo”.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictionsare all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”