Aries… Relax. Your friends and family don’t know you’re sleeping with a veal cutlet.
Taurus… Chin up. Your Neptune in Aries says you’ll have an exciting evening with a set of twins as you discuss Proust with them.
Gemini… Your fame will increase triple fold when you announce opening chess gambits in your neighbor’s underwear.
Cancer… Someone in a gorilla suit will steal your egg salad recipe.
Leo… Hold on to your undies. A big wind is coming your way
Virgo… Relax. There’s no monster under your bed. He’s now hiding in the closet.
Libra… Mercury will be in retrograde soon. Be ready for an influx of insurance salesmen in your neighborhood next Saturday AM.
Scorpio… Your sun sign is on the cusp. Use liberal amounts of hand sanitizer on, you know where. That should clear up, you know what.
Sagittarius… Watch out for planetary transits. The transit workers are about to go on strike demanding free daily Horrorscopes.
Capricorn… Soon your health will be in jeopardy, or maybe LINGO, but definitely on The Game Show Network.
Aquarius… You may have a detached retina now, but soon it will warm up to you.
Pisces…A stranger wearing only lasagna will ask you for a date.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”