Aries… Pluto is on the cusp of Mickey who doesn’t like it. Stay away from playgrounds or you will be arrested for fondling a jungle gym.
Taurus… Neptune is transiting Greenwich Village. Thursday you will have an urge to become a Nomad. Don’t do it. Wait until Friday.
Gemini… Jupiter is aligned with the trine of Leo. Beware. One day soon you will awake to find yourself making love to egg salad sandwich.
Cancer… Your moon is in the house across the street. This is the week you will be attacked by a set of rogue dentures.
Leo… Mars just asked Pluto for a loan until Friday and he refused. This means one thing. Keep your mouth shut. You may be arrested for using the word “chutney” in public.
Virgo… Saturn just dissed Cancer’s love affair with Orion. Ignore your BFFL when she thinks it’s cute to impersonate arch supports.
Libra… Mars is at odds with Saturn. On Wednesday you will have your sideburns stolen while you sleep.
Scorpio… A foreboding Neptune reveals you will be accosted by a roving gang of Lychee nuts.
Sagittarius… Uranus has been arrested for fraud. You will be suspected of copyright infringement when you’re mistaken for the Three Stooges.
Capricorn… Venus is in trine with a one arm bandit. On Saturday you will wake up in a backpack on Mt. McKinley.
Aquarius… Pices is in tartar sauce this week. Chances are good you will get into legal trouble for dancing in your underwear with a mail carrier.
Pisces… Mercury is rising after a bad night’s sleep. Satisfy your urges. Go ahead. Start a pen pal relationship with a sperm whale.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”