Aries… Your million dollar plan for edible Pampers is a bad idea.
Taurus… You will be held for questioning by the Vice Squad after you touch your inner child.
Gemini… A new job is coming your way. Soon you’ll be a scarecrow on a fish farm.
Cancer… You’ll overcome your fear of eggs, but not Canadian bacon.
Leo… Fame and riches will be yours with your fabulous quote, “The hands of fate need a manicure.”
Virgo… Eat plenty of greens to get your chloro-fill.
Libra… It’s in the stars. You will fall in love with an Armenian shepherd.
Scorpio… This week, someone will point to you and say, “You rock.” So get your sledge hammer ready.
Sagittarius… Eloping is not the answer. They’ll spot the elephant miles away.
Capricorn… You will be delivered into the hands of your enemies by a midwife.
Aquarius… Cash in on your oily T Zone. It could keep you in gasoline for a year.
Pisces…Relax. Take time to smell your armpits.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictionsare all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”