Aries… Venus is nearing a new moon. The secret to your success is in your landlady’s x-rays.
Taurus… You will become famous when you prove you can eat an elephant one bite at a time.
Gemini… Your “EX” will come crawling back on his hands and knees. He wants the twenty dollars you took from his wallet.
Cancer… Go ahead. Eat that chocolate. At this point, another box isn’t going to hurt.
Leo… Be sure to make that tennis date with your new client. It will be worth the broken elbow and scrapped knees.
Virgo… Jupiter is nearing its cusp with a quarter moon. It’s time for new arch supports.
Libra… That pony tail looks good on you. Do you think that poor colt will miss it?
Scorpio… Mercury in trine with a new moon indicates your dry cleaner will lose your best suit.
Sagittarius… Venus is now dating Mars. You’ll find more cocktail franks in your pajamas.
Capricorn… Taking the bag off your head will get the same result…Laughs!
Aquarius… Forget the makeup. Your police mug shot will look terrible anyway.
Pisces…Your rich uncle will leave you a fortune. It’s buried somewhere on his ten thousand acre ranch.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”