Aries… Mars was in transit with the moon, but was thrown off the bus for being rowdy. You will be locked in a dungeon with an insurance salesman for an entire weekend.
Taurus…Venus is aligned with the opposition over Congressional Redistricting. A pot bellied pig will leave cracker crumbs in your bed.
Gemini… The Twins in your sign are feuding again over who was born first. Your plans for converting New Schwanstein Castle into a theme park ride will fail.
Cancer… The crab is misaligned with Jupiter’s moon. Your enemies are on to you. To throw them off track, you must bathe in a vat of sangria with Dennis Miller.
Leo… Aquarius is leaving its fourth house and will miss its neighbors. Stop seeing that hypnotist. The ostrich eggs you’ve been sitting on will never hatch.
Virgo… The sun is trine with Neptune. You will be thrown out of a movie theater for petting a wedge of provolone cheese.
Libra…Saturn is in legal trouble with Mercury over a missing ring. A Steam Punker will steal your identity for immoral purposes.
Scorpio… Mars is in line with Neptune for a showing of My Fair Lady. Be extra careful now. You are being stalked by an aardvark.
Sagittarius…Your ruling planet, Jupiter is in its ninth house. To be safe this week, you must use the word “jowls” in every sentence spoken.
Capricorn… Saturn is in opposition to Cancer over a game of hopscotch. You will find yourself absentmindedly fondling Crenshaw melons at a local super market.
Aquarius… Uranus and Saturn are in sync. Have dinner in your underwear with a gerbil.
Pisces…Neptune now rules the seventh house with an iron fist. You must buy someone’s appendix as soon as possible.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”