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Aries… Mars was in transit with the moon, but was thrown off the bus for being rowdy. You will be locked in a dungeon with an insurance salesman for an entire weekend.

Taurus…Venus is aligned with the opposition over Congressional Redistricting. A pot bellied pig will leave cracker crumbs in your bed.

Gemini…  The Twins in your sign are feuding again over who was born first. Your plans for converting New Schwanstein Castle into a theme park ride will fail.

Cancer… The crab is misaligned with Jupiter’s moon. Your enemies are on to you. To throw them off track, you must bathe in a vat of sangria with Dennis Miller.

Leo… Aquarius is leaving its fourth house and will miss its neighbors. Stop seeing that hypnotist. The ostrich eggs you’ve been sitting on will never hatch.

Virgo… The sun is trine with Neptune. You will be thrown out of a movie theater for petting a wedge of provolone cheese.

Libra…Saturn is in legal trouble with Mercury over a missing ring. A Steam Punker will steal your identity for immoral purposes.

Scorpio… Mars is in line with Neptune for a showing of My Fair Lady. Be extra careful now. You are being stalked by an aardvark.

Sagittarius…Your ruling planet, Jupiter is in its ninth house. To be safe this week, you must use the word “jowls” in every sentence spoken.

Capricorn… Saturn is in opposition to Cancer over a game of hopscotch. You will find yourself absentmindedly fondling Crenshaw melons at a local super market.

Aquarius… Uranus and Saturn are in sync. Have dinner in your underwear with a gerbil.

Pisces…Neptune now rules the seventh house with an iron fist. You must buy someone’s appendix as soon as possible.


And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Comments on: "Your “Horror”-scope for the week of May 27th, 2012" (19)

  1. Thanks. You do the same.

  2. Good advice. Have a restful Memorial Day.

  3. You’re welcome.

  4. Thanks for my Morning laugh!

  5. My advice to you is to avoid ALL salesmen at any cost to avoid triggering a relapse. 😀

  6. Thank you, again.

  7. You’ll see. Then again you might not. He’s a crafty character who can remain hidden when necessary. Good luck.

  8. hahaha! when I first read it I thought you said ark, which didn’t make sense…though aardvark is hilarious, much call for them their critters 🙂 again your sense of humor is entertaining, keep it up

  9. If I’m being stalked by an aardvark, I hope it’s Arthur.

  10. I’m bummed out. I’m a Gemini. I had big plans for that castle. Then again I’ll save a bundle. I’ll use it for the aardvark farm I’ve always wanted.

  11. hmmm, then we shall see who has that horror story play out, hehehe 🙂
    so where do you fall, Ron?

  12. RC is in the same boat as you based on his comment to me.

  13. hmmm…you make a good point Ron, I do need to make a business trip toward the end of the week, I’ll watch for those insurance scoundrels! and hey rebelcoyote, what to you need to watch out for, eh?

  14. Hey go with it. Who’s to know?

  15. I know. I happened to me years ago. I’ve been in therapy ever since.

  16. Thanks, but the week isn’t over. Anything can happen. Stay alert. Watch out for falling insurance brochures.

  17. hey, you’re prediction was wrong…happy to say I’ve not been locked in a dungeon with an insurance salesmen…that would be pure hell, so glad it’s been a great weekend. Wait, that was your point wasn’t it, lol, to get me to appreciate a typical weekend 🙂 you’re good!

  18. Always a fun read. Damn, I’d sure hate to be an Aries this week….locked in a dungeon with an insurance salesman for a weekend would be horrible.

  19. But the draft was approved for my ballerina theme park…. Damn…

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