Aries… Pluto and Mars are feuding again. You will find a note in your cereal. Follow it to the letter. Bring three forms of identification with you.
Taurus… Venus wants to leave the Zodiac and form her own circle. Wow, what luck! You will soon discover that you are related to a wealthy mollusk.
Gemini… Mercury is on vacation right now. He’s visiting Pluto at his summer place on Fire Island. Stay alert. You will awaken to find yourself swimming in a vat of hollandaise sauce.
Cancer… Saturn is up to no good. You will soon meet a rapper who will teach you how to rhyme in Rumanian.
Leo… The lion, which dominates your sign, ate a large bird. His in a foul mood. It’s an indication you should give your BFF another chance. Even goats need a little loving now and then.
Virgo… Pices the Fish is in your house. Smell it? There’s a good chance you will fall in love with a mullet.
Libra… Saturn is excited over a smile from Mars. Too bad for you. You’ll miss a week of work after you slip and fall on someone’s oily T-zone.
Scorpio… Pluto is flirting with Uranus again. Feel free to dunk your head in a bowl of cake batter this week.
Sagittarius… Mars is mutable and in trine with Neptune. You will be kidnapped by a gang of angry gerbils.
Capricorn… Saturn is in line with Mercury this week. This is a rare event. You will have the unstoppable urge to shout the word “thighs” in public.
Aquarius… Neptune and Jupiter are arguing over which one should pick up the check at dinner. You will find yourself the center of attention when you arrive at work dressed as a newt.
Pisces…Venus is in a stinky mood. She’s prepping for a colonoscopy. That is a bad sign. You will be locked in a closet by a garden gnome. All the air will be removed with a straw.
Remember what Weird Al says about Astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”