Aries… Mercury is in trine with Venus. Your arches will sue you for non support.
Taurus… You will laugh uncontrollably when someone whispers the word “uggums” in your ear.
Gemini… Mercury, Venus, and Neptune form a perfect triangle. You will lose millions on your idea for feeding chickens food coloring just before Easter so they’d lay colored eggs.
Cancer… Jupiter is now misaligned with Mars. You will awaken to find yourself in a Rock quarry with Steven Tyler.
Leo… Neptune is rising near its cusp with Mercury. You will be arrested for illegal possession of a wart.
Virgo… The celestial sphere is angry with you over that twenty dollars you borrowed? Quick! Get to the nearest ATM.
Libra… Your moon is in conjunction with Earth. You will be attracted to someone’s large, hairy underarms which are home for a tribe of garden gnomes.
Scorpio… The rings of Saturn are leaving are leaving a green stain in space. You will be arrested for illegal possession of a wart.
Sagittarius… Mars reveals that your future is unfavorable now. Hide under you bed clutching a large wombat dressed in Dennis Miller’s underwear.
Capricorn… A full moon in Virgo indicates you will date a man in a gorilla suit. Be sure to bring lots of bananas.
Aquarius… Mars will be in conjunction with the moon soon, check for scorpions in your couch cushions.
Pisces…Neptune is ascending, be sure to soak your head in the salad dressing of your choice.
And… remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”