Aries… Mercury will be opposition with Venus. You’ll be up all night this week listening to their arguing.
Taurus… Soon the Earth will be in trine with Mars. Your best bet for love will be the goat herder.
Gemini… Neptune is tangent to Leo. Polish your swords. Get some new tats. You will soon discover a rewarding career opportunity as a side show entertainer.
Cancer… Venus is keeping a low profile after party crashing at the White house. Your potential as an athlete will be revealed when you become a life guard for dumpster divers.
Leo… The lion is on the prowl. You will be avatar’d and feathered while on line this week.
Virgo… The seventh moon is in the eight house. You will awaken to find yourself on a mammoth mound of manure.
Libra… Mercury is in transit and on the cusp of Pices. A crazed kleptomaniac will steal your gums while you sleep.
Scorpio… A lunar retrograde is near. Your enemies are closing in on you. You must hide in the folds of a fat gerbil, or in Dennis Miller’s beard.
Sagittarius… The sun is in trine with Venus. You will be persecuted unmercifully by a paranoid pigeon
Capricorn… The moon will soon transit Jupiter and Mercury. You are going to find an inch worm in your foot long hot dog.
Aquarius… Saturn’s transit near the moon indicates you will be run over by a terrible troll on a tricycle.
Pisces…Uranus is in conjunction with Aries. A crazed centaur will ransack your residence.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his hit song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictionsare all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”