Aries… Venus is trine with German wine. Just because you are generous to a fault, that’s no reason to throw money down that hole.
Taurus… Mars and Mercury are square right now. Always seek the advice of your hairdresser. She can get to the root of all problems.
Gemini… Saturn is in its seventh house this week. Here’s some good advice. When life gives you lemons, sell them to a produce market.
Cancer …The moon is in high orbit now. Relax. Enjoy yourself. Voodoo curses don’t last that long. Or do they?
Leo… Your sign is now mutable in its fourth house. Get your head out of the clouds. You might run into an Apple server.
Virgo… The sun is trine with Pluto. You may soon fall in love with a taxidermist who will try to mount you.
Libra… Neptune is square with Venus. You are going to have an open house event this week. The burglars will enjoy it.
Scorpio… Jupiter is aligned with Mercury. Here’s some sound advice. Don’t suck on a sparkler while it’s burning. Wait until it finishes.
Sagittarius… Uranus and Neptune are on the cusp of a big deal. You should know that your life is an open book. It’s got a few pages missing and some grape jelly on the dust jacket.
Capricorn… The conjunction of Venus and Jupiter foretells a future full of dancing waiters, or a chance meeting with Dennis Miller.
Aquarius… Mars is the ruler of Aires. Love is on the horizon. Look for it at the end of the rainbow. It will be under a Crenshaw melon rind.
Pisces…Good news, your mucus collection has been found. Go to Craig’s List for details.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”