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Archive for July, 2012

Your HORROR – scope for the week of July 29th, 2012


Aries… Venus is trine with German wine. Just because you are generous to a fault, that’s no reason to throw money down that hole.

Taurus… Mars and Mercury are square right now. Always seek the advice of your hairdresser. She can get to the root of all problems.

Gemini… Saturn is in its seventh house this week.  Here’s some good advice. When life gives you lemons, sell them to a produce market.

Cancer …The moon is in high orbit now. Relax. Enjoy yourself. Voodoo curses don’t last that long. Or do they?

Leo… Your sign is now mutable in its fourth house. Get your head out of the clouds. You might run into an Apple server.

Virgo… The sun is trine with Pluto. You may soon fall in love with a taxidermist who will try to mount you.

Libra… Neptune is square with Venus. You are going to have an open house event this week. The burglars will enjoy it.

Scorpio… Jupiter is aligned with Mercury. Here’s some sound advice. Don’t suck on a sparkler while it’s burning. Wait until it finishes.

Sagittarius… Uranus and Neptune are on the cusp of a big deal. You should know that your life is an open book. It’s got a few pages missing and some grape jelly on the dust jacket.

Capricorn… The conjunction of Venus and Jupiter foretells a future full of dancing waiters, or a chance meeting with Dennis Miller.

Aquarius… Mars is the ruler of Aires. Love is on the horizon. Look for it at the end of the rainbow. It will be under a Crenshaw melon rind.

Pisces…Good news, your mucus collection has been found. Go to Craig’s List for details.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Security Scares Suitors


Recently, a popular computer dating site admitted that it had a security breach.

As a result, a number of user passwords were leaked on-line.

As a precaution, the matchmaking firm has reset user passwords.

Hmmm…

A date site was recently breached,

A number of passwords were reached;

This nefarious antic,

Was not so romantic,

Security is now being preached.

Akinator Acts Accurately


Using deductive reasoning and the vast knowledge of the Internet, this website’s computer  can guess your thoughts.

Akinator, the Web Genius, is a very clever genie whose sole purpose is to determine what fictional or non-fictional character you’re thinking of.

She’s got a remarkable rate of success.

Just answer her Yes/No/Maybe questions, and in no time she’ll be able to deduce your character.

 

Hmmm…

The Akinator guesses your thoughts,

She’s smarter than most of the bots;

Just say yes or say no,

It will help her to know,

Then she’ll find the answer she sought.

I Hope Symantec XPedites a Quick Fix…


Symantec is at it again.

Their update to fix the SONAR virus has caused a blue screen in computers using Windows XP.

I know some of you are asking, “What the heck is XP?”

Others query, “Didn’t XP go out with the dinosaurs?”

Actually quite a few people still use it because it’s sooo gentle on the skin and the mind. I was sorry to se it go.

Hmmm…

Symantec has caused a blue screen,

Not yellow, or orange or green;

An update’s at fault,

Some shout, oy gevalt,

I can’t wait ’till my registry’s clean.

Your HORROR – scope for the week of July 29th, 2012


Aries… The moon is trine with the river Rhine. You will have the urge to use the word aardvark in every sentence you speak this week.

Taurus… The sun has crossed the elliptic of Uranus. You’d better increase that SPF rating to at least 95, or stand in Dennis Miller’s shadow.

Gemini… Neptune is trine with Earth this week. Be on the alert. Your enemies want to stuff you into an olive.

Cancer… Mars is square with Pluto now. Go already. Meet his parents. They say the undead can be a lot of fun once you get to know them.

Leo… Saturn is on the cusp of Venus. Your idea for ear wax sculpture will not receive a favorable hearing.

Virgo… Earth’s moon is waxing at an auto detailing shop.  Do not fear. We’re not egg-xaggerating when we say sleeping with free range chickens maybe relaxing.

Libra… Venus is trine with Mercury now. If life gets your down, follow the bats and hang in there.

Scorpio… Mercury is aligned with Mars.  If you really desire a private life, join the Army.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is mutable this week. You will have the uncontrollable urge to shout, “Jowls” before and after meals.

Capricorn… Pluto is in opposition to its cusp with Venus. Your plan for a computer date will go wrong when you’re hooked up with a Commodore VIC-20.

Aquarius… Uranus and Saturn are in conjunction at this moment. Stop all tweeting. You’re confusing the neighborhood birds.

Pisces… The planets say you are wise, gentle and, musical. But your IQ is slightly under that of a rubber ducky.

 

And… remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Ketchup Has Finally Caught Up


M.I.T. has really been busy lately. Here’s another tidbit.

M.I.T. researchers have developed a new high tech coating for the inside of plastic ketchup bottles. It will allow the ketchup to pour out quickly.

Just think. We now can cut seconds of agony from our lives.

And, no more dirty fingers in the ketchup bottle.

I’ll still be seeing red, but much faster.

Hmmm…

A new coating to help ketchup pour,

Who could ask for anything more?

It comes out quite fast,

For my fine repast,

This has ended the pouring uproar.

Streaming Shots Stop Screaming Tots…


M.I.T. is working on a more painless shot experience.

Instead of using needles, the serum is delivered by a high-pressure stream.

I remember those painful shots my kids got. I don’t know what was worse. The piercing needle or the piercing screams.

Hmmm…

Will sharp needles become quite passé?

If so, I can’t wait for that day.

A less painful shot,

Not like one that I got,

When that happens I’ll sure shout hurray.

Hackers Hefty Heist


Imagine this:

Some beady eyed hackers have stolen around 78 million from banks using a malware virus called Zeus.

Of course that doesn’t beat the trillions of dollars the U.S. government is wasting. Who’s the bigger crook?

See, your mother was right. Hiding your money under your mattress is safer.

Hmmm…

Hackers are stealing from banks,

They get money without saying thanks,

They use what’s called Zeus,

It’s pure banking abuse,

They get Deutsche Marks as well as French Francs

Your HORROR – scope for the week of July 15th, 2012


Aries… The planets are misaligned right now. Don’t go into the woods this week. If you do, the trees will call you a sap.

Taurus… Mars is square with Pluto. Face it. It’s true. Your only association with physical activity is when your nose runs.

Gemini… Mercury is rising. You will have the urge to go where no man has gone before. Bring lots of toilet tissue.

Cancer… Uranus and Saturn are square now. You may like all Pisces, but who’s going to clean the fish bowl, Dennis Miller?

Leo… The sun is in the fifth house, and the air conditioning is broken. You might run into some money soon. Stay away from bank parking lots.

Virgo… Mercury is mutable for you right now. Your statement, “You, me, and the otter.” will not gain prominence until you are released from the asylum.

Libra… Pluto is tired of being left alone in the house all day. Stay away from all Leos. They’ll eat you alive.

Scorpio… Venus is on the cusp with the moon in Miami. You will be enchanted by a complement given to you this week. Let’s hope you like octogenarians.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is in the ninth house and is mutable right now. You are not losing your hair. You’ll find it on your pillow, in your drains, in your comb, and in your brush.

Capricorn… Saturn is in opposition with its ninth house. This is not a good week to pitch your idea for Dandruff Art to Dennis Miller.

Aquarius… Venus is trine with Pluto. You will receive a huge amount of money this week. Are you familiar with the Zimbabwean Dollar?

Pisces…Mars is in its twelfth house painting the walls. A change of lifestyle may be in order. Join the French Foreign Legion.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deepsignificance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

This is Post Number 101!


It’s no joke.

I actually managed to do 100 posts before this one.

Thank you all for following and/or visiting my humble humor blog.

I couldn’t have done it without your support.

Here’s to the next 99 humor filled bits and pieces.

 

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