Aries…Mars is square with Venus. Avoid all oral arguments. Stay away from your dentist this week.
Taurus… Neptune is passing it’s high point. Your obsessive fear of the dark will be cured after you bathe in fresh bat guano.
Gemini… Venus is in a bad mood this week. Your dreams are utterly premature. Remember, you must first get accepted to Clown College.
Cancer… Pluto is in trine with Mercury. Don’t play The Match Game tonight. You may get burned.
Leo… Earth is on the cusp with Uranus. Your chiropractor is wrong. You don’t have a weak spine. You have a missing spine.
Virgo… Neptune is in its ninth house again, checking on the renters. You will have the urge to watch paint dry this week.
Libra… Mars is on the cusp with Uranus. Soon you will be on Broadway. Unfortunately it will be as a victim in a head on collision.
Scorpio… Saturn is now square with Mercury. You will be baffled and boxed in by a brutish delivery truck driver.
Sagittarius… Mars and Mercury are quibbling over which one Venus likes the best. You are energetic, punctual, and your car will be repossessed.
Capricorn… The moon is in sync with Pluto this week. Stay away from Scorpios. They just want to hit you up for some quick cash.
Aquarius… Your ruling planet, Uranus wants to raise taxes again. Take that possum out of our pants. PETA is on the way.
Pisces…Mars is reaching its apex now. Cheer up. Think of it as an adventure. In a few years you may get time off for good behavior.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”