Aries… The planets are misaligned right now. Don’t go into the woods this week. If you do, the trees will call you a sap.
Taurus… Mars is square with Pluto. Face it. It’s true. Your only association with physical activity is when your nose runs.
Gemini… Mercury is rising. You will have the urge to go where no man has gone before. Bring lots of toilet tissue.
Cancer… Uranus and Saturn are square now. You may like all Pisces, but who’s going to clean the fish bowl, Dennis Miller?
Leo… The sun is in the fifth house, and the air conditioning is broken. You might run into some money soon. Stay away from bank parking lots.
Virgo… Mercury is mutable for you right now. Your statement, “You, me, and the otter.” will not gain prominence until you are released from the asylum.
Libra… Pluto is tired of being left alone in the house all day. Stay away from all Leos. They’ll eat you alive.
Scorpio… Venus is on the cusp with the moon in Miami. You will be enchanted by a complement given to you this week. Let’s hope you like octogenarians.
Sagittarius… Jupiter is in the ninth house and is mutable right now. You are not losing your hair. You’ll find it on your pillow, in your drains, in your comb, and in your brush.
Capricorn… Saturn is in opposition with its ninth house. This is not a good week to pitch your idea for Dandruff Art to Dennis Miller.
Aquarius… Venus is trine with Pluto. You will receive a huge amount of money this week. Are you familiar with the Zimbabwean Dollar?
Pisces…Mars is in its twelfth house painting the walls. A change of lifestyle may be in order. Join the French Foreign Legion.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deepsignificance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”