Aries… The moon is trine with the river Rhine. You will have the urge to use the word aardvark in every sentence you speak this week.
Taurus… The sun has crossed the elliptic of Uranus. You’d better increase that SPF rating to at least 95, or stand in Dennis Miller’s shadow.
Gemini… Neptune is trine with Earth this week. Be on the alert. Your enemies want to stuff you into an olive.
Cancer… Mars is square with Pluto now. Go already. Meet his parents. They say the undead can be a lot of fun once you get to know them.
Leo… Saturn is on the cusp of Venus. Your idea for ear wax sculpture will not receive a favorable hearing.
Virgo… Earth’s moon is waxing at an auto detailing shop. Do not fear. We’re not egg-xaggerating when we say sleeping with free range chickens maybe relaxing.
Libra… Venus is trine with Mercury now. If life gets your down, follow the bats and hang in there.
Scorpio… Mercury is aligned with Mars. If you really desire a private life, join the Army.
Sagittarius… Jupiter is mutable this week. You will have the uncontrollable urge to shout, “Jowls” before and after meals.
Capricorn… Pluto is in opposition to its cusp with Venus. Your plan for a computer date will go wrong when you’re hooked up with a Commodore VIC-20.
Aquarius… Uranus and Saturn are in conjunction at this moment. Stop all tweeting. You’re confusing the neighborhood birds.
Pisces… The planets say you are wise, gentle and, musical. But your IQ is slightly under that of a rubber ducky.
And… remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”