Aries… Mars is firm about this: Stay away from German cuisine this week. You will sneeze every time you hear someone say Braunschweiger, or Dennis Miller.
Taurus…The sun is in juxtaposition with itself. You will be safe this week. Your enemies will be giving enemas to each other.
Gemini…The stars have a warning for you. Your idea for a town constructed entirely of bras will fail. The city will eventually go bust.
Cancer… Mercury is flirting with a new comet. Living in the present is good, if the present itself is expensive. Think about it.
Leo… Neptune is out of tune this week. Live each day as though it has just twenty four hours.
Virgo… Pluto has suddenly gone wild, and it isn’t even Spring Break. Stop being negative about your photos. So what if you are over exposed.
Libra… The moon is in a blue mood now. You will foxtrot in a farce with a ferret.
Scorpio…Earth is in trine and on the cusp with Pluto. Your life will be as simple as an Escher drawing.
Sagittarius… Venus is on the wagon this week after a bad hangover. You will have the urge to talk dirty to a mud pie.
Capricorn… Uranus is suffering from hemorrhoids at the moment. Expect the unexpected this week. Who knows, it just might happen.
Aquarius…Mars is in its second house fixing a plumbing problem. You will do a jig with a gerbil in your pajamas.
Pisces… Saturn is square all around. Don’t play chicken with a freight train. You may get your feathers ruffled.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”