Aries… Mars is in its neighbor’s house. A potter is about to pop the question, “Do you want to buy this pot or what?”
Taurus…The moon is blue at this time. Just because it’s a pool table doesn’t mean you should place in a pool.
Gemini…Saturn is trine with Jupiter. Every time you see a policeman you will shout, “May the force be with you!”
Cancer… Neptune is on the cusp with Pluto. Your date with a horticulturist will turn bad when you get planted.
Leo… Mercury will be stationary this week. Bring a lot of change for the parking meter.
Virgo… Venus is out of phase now. You will find yourself discussing politics with a mannequin while sitting in a vat of hominy grits.
Libra… The Earth is a favorable place now. You will find true peace and harmony while bathing in a tub of granola with Dennis Miller.
Scorpio… The charts indicate good fortune for you. There is a pork pie hat in your future.
Sagittarius… Uranus and Saturn are fixed, and they don’t like it. You will soon be asked to appear on the new TV show, “Whisker Wars”.
Capricorn…The moon sextiles Saturn at this time. Liver and onions will be an obstacle to your romantic evening this week.
Aquarius… Venus is transiting Mars. Failure is not an option, but life will make an exception in your case.
Pisces…Uranus is in a new cycle now. Getting a tattoo is questionable, especially putting the word “Guacamole” on your forehead.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”