Aries… Stop banging your head against the wall over Dennis Miller. Your neighbors don’t like all that noise.
Taurus… Your DIY project will be a disaster when you nail yourself to the floor.
Gemini… You will be detained by airport security when you try to smuggle a walrus in your wallet.
Cancer… The news is out. Hide before it’s too late. They found out you are of a different species.
Leo… You will have a problem with a cat over your Oedi-pus tendencies.
Scorpio… The constant statement made at office meetings, “That’s fine if you consider in terms of underoos.” is getting old. Time for a change.
Sagittarius… You will be tickled senseless by a roving gang of Oompa Loompas.
Capricorn… Your chronic dandruff problem will cause you to look like a snow monkey.
Aquarius… You will awaken to find yourself in the bottom position of a totem pole.
Pisces…Your parents will not be happy about your engagement to a Mukluk.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”