Aries… The sun is trine with the moon. Your gall bladder collection will not fetch much money at the auction.
Taurus… Pluto is on the cusp with Mars. Your date with a paleontologist will get sticky when you visit the Laguna Tar Pits.
Gemini…Uranus is in its twelfth house for some renovations. Your new, “Old World Diet” will fail. No one will eat babushkas without seasoning. Well, maybe Dennis Miller would.
Cancer… Saturn is in transit now. Your method of getting rid of bed bugs is effective, but you really don’t need a flame thrower.
Leo… The moon is fixed in its eleventh house this week. You will be tickled senseless by a roving gang of Oompa Loompas.
Virgo… Venus is on the cusp with its tenth house which it plans to rent soon. You may be probed by an alien near the Canadian border.
Libra… Mercury is mutable at this time. You may be forced to eat a sweaty pair of chaps near a chuck wagon in Chattanooga.
Scorpio… Neptune is ruling its seventh house with an iron fist. There are spurs in your future. Be careful where you sit.
Sagittarius…The sun is in juxtaposition to itself. Hold on to your watch. A time bandit is stalking you.
Capricorn… Mars has just left its fourth house for a condo. You will do the conga in the Congo with Condoleezza.
Aquarius… Neptune is will be out of tune this week. You may want to butter up your boss. Don’t try it. Margarine would be better.
Pisces… Pluto has made a mess on the new carpet again. Do not immerse yourself in Nutella this week. Wait until next week.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”