Aries… The sun is in trine with the moon. You will awaken to find that all your hand puppets have abandoned you.
Taurus…Uranus is having a urination problem. Your idea for a theme park based on graffiti will have failure written all over it.
Gemini… Mars is in opposition to Pluto over some Disney tickets. You will have a sudden uncontrollable interest in Lord of the Rings, Lord of the Dance, Lord of the Flies, and a biography of Jack Lord.
Cancer… Neptune is on the cusp of a cuspidor. You will win second place in the Dennis Miller look-alike contest. The winner will be a sasquatch.
Leo… Venus is having an anxiety attack now. You will mock madness in the moonlight at midnight in Maine in May.
Virgo… Earth is on the cusp of a cusp with Mars. You will awaken to find that you are still asleep.
Libra… The moon is in its second house which just went into foreclosure. You will suddenly find yourself bewitched, bothered, bewildered and a wildebeest.
Scorpio… Pluto is trine with Venus’ back yard. You will awaken to find that you have been turned into a living doldrum.
Sagittarius… The moon may be losing its gravity over a gambling debt with Jupiter. Your identity will be stolen, but returned when the thief decides he’d rather be someone else.
Capricorn…Mercury is mad over mingling moonbeams. You will fall in love with a Quarterback, a Quarter Pounder, and a half chicken this week.
Aquarius… Neptune and Jupiter are trine and that’s fine. Take a sedative now. That song you hate will resonate in your mind all week.
Pisces…The sun is in its eleventh house which has a leaky roof and termites. You will awaken to find that you are a copy of yourself.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”