Aries… The sun is in trine with Mars. You will awaken to find yourself trapped in the Lunar Module with Dennis Miller.
Taurus… Neptune will soon be on its cusp with Mercury. A busty beautician wearing boxing gloves will buy you bottled beer.
Gemini… Saturn is rising now, and it’s grumpy from lack of sleep. You will inherit the wind, but it will be tied up in probate for some time.
Cancer… The moon is square with Venus now. You will do the conga in the Congo with Condoleezza.
Leo… Pluto is in the dog house at the moment. You will dine with a delightful diva in Dover Delaware.
Virgo… Earth is in its ninth house. You will be pestered by a pesky physical therapist in pajamas.
Libra… Uranus is approaching a cusp with the sun. Put a feather in your hat. You will have the urge to preen yourself this week.
Scorpio… Jupiter is in opposition to the Moon. Let it be known that you may need to get a permit for your comfort zone.
Sagittarius… Saturn is setting with the sun. Soon you may have to choose between a humidor, a cuspidor, and door number four.
Capricorn… Neptune is square with the cusp of the moon. You may do the fandango with a feather duster in France in the near future.
Aquarius… Neptune is trine with the Earth’s ozone layer. You will sleep much better when you get rid of your pine cone mattress.
Pisces… Pluto is in court now petitioning to be an official planet again. You will bathe with a barbarian barber in Barbados.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”