This week, the star charts are predicting many, wonderful, wacky, and whimsical encounters with the wildlife of the Earth.
Aries… Uranus is not in phase with Mercury at this time. You will dance in a tutu with a tortoise in Tunisia.
Taurus… The moon is traversing Traverse City, Michigan at the moment. You will be harassed by a leg of lamb searching for some mint sauce.
Gemini… Mars is in its twelfth house collecting overdue rent. You will be inclined to coddle crazed cattle in the country in a Corvair convertible.
Cancer… Pluto is feeling low lately. It’s infested with ticks. Your illicit affair with a marmaduke will make Yahoo headlines.
Leo… Saturn is descending at a higher than normal rate. You could find yourself belittling a blundering blow-fish in a birdbath in Botswana .
Virgo… Venus is suffering from pollution at the moment. You will have a recurring dream of marching monkeys in mukluks in Minnesota.
Libra… The Earth is considering a new orbit at considerably lower prices. You will be pecked on your posterior in Patagonia by a pouting penguin in pajamas worn by Dennis Miller.
Scorpio… Mercury is rising again after leaving its fourth house in a huff. You will awaken to find yourself doing a swan dive into a sumo wrestler in Somali land.
Sagittarius… Neptune is considering moving to a new galaxy where the rents are lower. You will be pestered in Peru by a priggish pig in a pink pork-pie hat.
Capricorn… Your sign is on the cusp of a calamity. You will have the overpowering urge to cluck like a Chechnyan chicken while chowing down on chunky clam chowder in Chinatown.
Aquarius… Uranus is undecided about entering its seventh house due to an infestation of termites. You will fall in the fall for a funky featherless fowl from the Falklands.
Pisces…You will get into a brawl with a brutish British bouncer in a black beret while imbibing bitters in Boston.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”