Well Halloween is right around the corner. The planets are going to have a big party. They predict appropriate harrowing happenings for one and all.
Have a horror filled holiday.
Aries… Neptune can’t decide what costume to wear for Halloween. This week you will have the desire to embrace the entrails of fresh road kill in Skukill.
Taurus… Pluto has decided to buy a Snoopy costume for the big party. Be ready for many rumblings. Your kids won’t be happy when you suggest they trick or treat dressed as zippers.
Gemini… Mars is upset because it hasn’t received a party invitation. You’ll be a big hit at your Halloween party when you dress as a piñata.
Cancer… Venus has finally gotten her Halloween treats for the kiddies (little tins of ozone). Watch out. This week you will be plagued by a pirouetting pumpkin from Paducah carrying a pitchfork.
Leo… Mercury has decided to hand out last year’s Halloween leftover candy to unsuspecting visitors. Beware! You will be spooked by the scary skeleton of a scullery maid from Scranton.
Virgo… The Earth is in opposition with the decorating committee for the event this Wednesday. Forget your idea for a unique surprise for the trick or treaters this Halloween. They won’t appreciate little plastic bags of pus.
Libra… Uranus is making its own costume again this year. It will go to the party as the comet, Hale Bopp. Travel may be in your immediate future. You will have the urge to bob for apples in Appalachia on an Appaloosa.
Scorpio… Saturn is busy buying snacks for the big event this week. This Halloween you may just awaken to find that you are a wiggly worm attached to a wire hook dangling over a pond full of petulant piranhas.
Sagittarius… Mars is in opposition to all the other planets this week. Scorpion juggling is apparently in your immediate future.
Capricorn… Neptune is worried that it won’t be able to afford a costume for the party. It wants to go as the solar system. You will certainly win a prize for the most original costume when you go to the party dressed as scar tissue.
Aquarius…The Moon is busy carving its pumpkin. You will scare the socks off your Halloween party guests when you dawn your Dennis Miller mask.
Pisces…Venus was supposed to mail out the invitations for the gala event this week, but she misplaced them. Your Halloween party game of Bobbing for Bobcats will be a scream.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”