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Archive for November, 2012

Surfing To Schizophrenia


Look out virtual surfers. A big wave of mania may be at hand.

Some new research suggests that spending a lot of time on line will increase your chances of a mental disorder.

I guess it’s okay if someone already has a mental disorder.

Hmmm…

Surfing can make you go nutty,

You and your internet buddy;

Don’t spend so much time,

Computing on line,

Or your mind will start getting all muddy.

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Surfing Schizophrenia

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Nov. 25th, 2012


The charts have shown peculiar arrangements suggesting there are animal encounters in your future.

Aries… The moon is in opposition to Uranus. You will dance in a tutu with a tortoise in Tribeca.

Taurus… Mercury is trine with Mars. You will be harassed by a leg of lamb searching for some mint sauce.

Gemini… Pluto is in its fourth house having a house warming party. You will awaken to find yourself doing a swan dive into a sumo wrestler.

Cancer… Venus is in her second house having it fumigated. You will be inclined to coddle crazed cattle in the country in a Corvair convertible.

Leo… Mars is on the cusp with Mercury’s fourth house. You will find yourself belittling a blundering blow fish in a birdbath.

Virgo… The Earth is in sync with the second moon of Neptune. You will have a recurring dream of marching monkeys in mukluks.

Libra… Saturn is rising now after it’s leg fell asleep. You will be pecked on your posterior by a pouting penguin in Dennis Miller’s pajamas.

Scorpio… Neptune is not happy about its position with the Earth. Your illicit affair with a marmaduke will make Yahoo headlines.

Sagittarius… Mercury is in a favorable position in its third house.  You will be pestered in Peru by a priggish pig in a pink pork-pie hat.

Capricorn… Uranus is on the cusp with Jupiter’s second moon. You will have the overpowering urge to cluck like a chicken while eating chunky clam chowder in Chinatown .

Aquarius… Mars is waning now. You will fall for a funky featherless fowl in the Fall.

Pisces…The moon is waxing now after a nice ride through the car wash. You will get into a brawl with a brutish British bouncer in a black beret.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

 

Category:

Horror-scopes

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FTC Frowns on Fake Fixes


Thousands of consumers allegedly have been tricked into paying for removal of bogus viruses and non-existent spyware.

Callers thought the India based tech support was legitimate help from Microsoft. It allowed scammers to remotely access the victims’ computers.

The U.S. Federal Trade Commission has launched a major international crackdown on tech support scams in which telemarketers in India masquerade as major computer companies. They trick consumers into believing that their computers are riddled with viruses, spyware and other malware, and then charge hundreds of dollars to remotely access and “fix” the consumers’ computers.

At the request of the FTC, a U.S. District Court Judge has ordered a halt to six alleged tech support scams pending further hearings, and the judge has frozen their assets.

Hmmm…

India’s fake Microsoft support,

Is really not what it purports.

It’s truly a scam,

Like Spam is real ham,

That’s what the FTC reports.

Category:

Fake Tech Support

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Nov. 18th, 2012


Aries… Mars is in a perfect aspect now. You will have the urge to buy your boss, brussel sprouts, broccoli, and babka as birthday presents.

Taurus… Pluto is in a whiny mood now. You will be inclined to join a cult which worships Dennis Miller’s underwear.

Gemini… Venus now forms a conjunction to Jupiter. You should eat more cheddar cheese chives until you’re told to stop.

Cancer… The moon is waning now. You will have the urge to shout, “This is a memorable mocha moment”, during office meetings.

Leo… Uranus is on the cusp with itself. You will soon fall in love with a candied cadaver.

Virgo… Mercury is trine with Venus. You will have the uncontrollable urge to answer all the spam emails you get this week.

Libra… Saturn is in opposition to the moon. Everything will be fine. Stop pacing over procuring potential Pesos.

Scorpio… The Earth is in lateral aspect to Jupiter. You will backpack in your black britches to a backgammon game in Bulgaria.

Sagittarius… Mars’ position isn’t favorable now. Just because you put boulders on everything in your dwelling to keep them from floating away doesn’t mean you have rocks in your head. Or does it?

Capricorn… Stop pulling up your shirt while saying, “My navel is in complete agreement.” People can’t stomach that.

Aquarius… Uranus is in its ninth house. Your habit of talking with your hands is okay, but stop telling people your hands talk back.

Pisces…The Sun forms an antagonistic angle to Jupiter and Venus. Your marriage to a muscadine will be miserable.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Category:

Horror-scopes

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Bots Bee-having Bee-like


Scientists can be found spending their time, and probably our federal grant money, mapping the thought processes of cute, little honey bees.

They want to use the insect’s bee-havior to integrate it into robots.

They hope the robots will then fly like bees. (I hope they don’t sting us.)

Maybe they will ask Rob-bee the Robot to help them.

Can you imagine the tiny probes used to capture a bee’s thoughts?

And, what do bee’s thoughts sound like? The Bee Gees?

The poor little honey combers can’t be thinking very logical or coherent thoughts.

After all, most of the time they have a buzz on.

Hmmm…

Robots that think like bees?

They’ll fly over overhead on the breeze.

Will they make honey,

On days that are sunny?

Or handle our money?

Or say things quite funny?

Will they do whatever they please?

 

 

 

 

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Robot Bees

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Nov.11th, 2012


Aries… Mars is ruled by Mercury now. Take a sedative. That song you hate will resonate in your mind all week.

Taurus… The sun is juxtaposed with Saturn. You will run into an old friend this week. You will discuss old times in the Emergency Room.

Gemini… Saturn is having its rings re-sized due to a weight gain. Your idea for a theme park based on lard will fail when visitors keep falling off the rides.

Cancer… Uranus is trine with the moon. Beware. The blind date your friends have arranged for you is still swinging in a tree eating bananas.

Leo… Venus is in its ninth house. Soon you will wake up in Dublin where you will speak Gaelic with a mouthful of garlic.

Virgo… Mars is unhappy about being ruled by Mercury this week. You will be internationally famous for your question, “Who is Dennis Miller?”

Libra… Jupiter rules Pluto now, but only on weekends. You will soon fall in love with a dumpster diver.

Scorpio… The moon is waxing now at an auto detailing shop. You are in for a thrill this week. The fireworks in your underwear will ignite.

Sagittarius… Mercury is rising. Beware! A bunch of brash bachelors wants to belittle you in Brooklyn.

Capricorn… Mars is descending now. You will also be asked to bring hot dogs and marshmallows to a cremation.

Aquarius… Jupiter is aligned with the moon. You would be wise to call off the flag pole sitting stunt. Your hemorrhoids will flare up this week.

 Pisces…Pluto is trine with the Earth. Instead of a tip, you will have the urge to give every waiter/waitress a Handy Wipe.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Category:

Horror-scopes

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Miracle Makes Man Manipulate Machine


There’s a man who is conscious, but totally paralyzed. It’s known as the “Locked-in” syndrome.

He has learned how to control a computer with his eye movements.

His eye movements produce text on a computer.

He can now send tweets using his eyes.

It’s a miracle.

Hmmm…

A paralyzed man can now tweet,

For him it’s really quite sweet,

His eyes do the work,

A wonderful perk,

That’s really a great unique feat.

Category:

computers, Eye control, Locked-in Syndrome, Paralyzed

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Chinese Criminal Compromised Computers


According to unnamed sources, a Chinese computer hacker broke into the White House computer network.

The hacker even saw sensitive nuclear codes and commands.

It happened after someone in the White House opened a phishing email.

So, if you have any secret information, like your weight or shoe size, stay away from phishing emails.

Hmmm…

The Chinese are hacking the white house,

They know every click from the First Mouse.

They saw our nuke codes,

The bombs with their loads,

They may have some dirt on the First Spouse.

Category:

Computer Security, Hackers, Phishing

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Nov. 4th, 2012


It’s election time here in the U.S. of A. Candidates are vying for various offices in a variety of venues across the country.

The planets are aware of this phenomenon. They have special information for you this week which will help you decide who not to vote for.

Your election dates may vary, but the planets indicate that the dirty little secrets revealed here still apply.

Aries… Your favorite candidate will reveal that he once dated a lovely little leprechaun in lower Louisiana.

Taurus… Your candidate’s dreams of a political triumph will be destroyed when her adviser reveals that walruses don’t usually vote (except in Chicago).

Gemini… Your favorite politician spent his re-election funds buying all the chocolate in the country to entice the Oompa Loompa vote.

Cancer… Your Senator voted for a billion dollar boondoggle in Botswana.

Leo… Your favorite politician sold his soul to the devil. The demon wants his money back after finding out that the guy’s soul is defective.

Virgo… You will  be shocked to learn that your State Senator voted for additional funding for research on pancakes, Popsicles, and Pooper Scoopers.

Libra… Your favorite politician wants you to send him money to buy some ethics, but he’ll spend the money on loose women and Dennis Miller memorabilia.

Scorpio… The politician you want to vote for accosted a colorful cat for more per-diem.

Sagittarius… Your favorite politician will soon be arrested for contributing government money to his favorite frat party at Delta House.

Capricorn… Your senatorial candidate will bring all his wrinkled clothing to a press conference.

Aquarius… Your favorite congressman will offer everyone in her district a free Dumpster-in-a-Bag if they vote for her.

Pisces… The politician you favor will be quoted as saying, “Our constitution is suffering from constipation.”

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Category:

2012 National Elections, Horror-scopes

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