It’s election time here in the U.S. of A. Candidates are vying for various offices in a variety of venues across the country.
The planets are aware of this phenomenon. They have special information for you this week which will help you decide who not to vote for.
Your election dates may vary, but the planets indicate that the dirty little secrets revealed here still apply.
Aries… Your favorite candidate will reveal that he once dated a lovely little leprechaun in lower Louisiana.
Taurus… Your candidate’s dreams of a political triumph will be destroyed when her adviser reveals that walruses don’t usually vote (except in Chicago).
Gemini… Your favorite politician spent his re-election funds buying all the chocolate in the country to entice the Oompa Loompa vote.
Cancer… Your Senator voted for a billion dollar boondoggle in Botswana.
Leo… Your favorite politician sold his soul to the devil. The demon wants his money back after finding out that the guy’s soul is defective.
Virgo… You will be shocked to learn that your State Senator voted for additional funding for research on pancakes, Popsicles, and Pooper Scoopers.
Libra… Your favorite politician wants you to send him money to buy some ethics, but he’ll spend the money on loose women and Dennis Miller memorabilia.
Scorpio… The politician you want to vote for accosted a colorful cat for more per-diem.
Sagittarius… Your favorite politician will soon be arrested for contributing government money to his favorite frat party at Delta House.
Capricorn… Your senatorial candidate will bring all his wrinkled clothing to a press conference.
Aquarius… Your favorite congressman will offer everyone in her district a free Dumpster-in-a-Bag if they vote for her.
Pisces… The politician you favor will be quoted as saying, “Our constitution is suffering from constipation.”
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”