Aries… Mars is ruled by Mercury now. Take a sedative. That song you hate will resonate in your mind all week.
Taurus… The sun is juxtaposed with Saturn. You will run into an old friend this week. You will discuss old times in the Emergency Room.
Gemini… Saturn is having its rings re-sized due to a weight gain. Your idea for a theme park based on lard will fail when visitors keep falling off the rides.
Cancer… Uranus is trine with the moon. Beware. The blind date your friends have arranged for you is still swinging in a tree eating bananas.
Leo… Venus is in its ninth house. Soon you will wake up in Dublin where you will speak Gaelic with a mouthful of garlic.
Virgo… Mars is unhappy about being ruled by Mercury this week. You will be internationally famous for your question, “Who is Dennis Miller?”
Libra… Jupiter rules Pluto now, but only on weekends. You will soon fall in love with a dumpster diver.
Scorpio… The moon is waxing now at an auto detailing shop. You are in for a thrill this week. The fireworks in your underwear will ignite.
Sagittarius… Mercury is rising. Beware! A bunch of brash bachelors wants to belittle you in Brooklyn.
Capricorn… Mars is descending now. You will also be asked to bring hot dogs and marshmallows to a cremation.
Aquarius… Jupiter is aligned with the moon. You would be wise to call off the flag pole sitting stunt. Your hemorrhoids will flare up this week.
Pisces…Pluto is trine with the Earth. Instead of a tip, you will have the urge to give every waiter/waitress a Handy Wipe.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
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