Aries… Mars is in a perfect aspect now. You will have the urge to buy your boss, brussel sprouts, broccoli, and babka as birthday presents.
Taurus… Pluto is in a whiny mood now. You will be inclined to join a cult which worships Dennis Miller’s underwear.
Gemini… Venus now forms a conjunction to Jupiter. You should eat more cheddar cheese chives until you’re told to stop.
Cancer… The moon is waning now. You will have the urge to shout, “This is a memorable mocha moment”, during office meetings.
Leo… Uranus is on the cusp with itself. You will soon fall in love with a candied cadaver.
Virgo… Mercury is trine with Venus. You will have the uncontrollable urge to answer all the spam emails you get this week.
Libra… Saturn is in opposition to the moon. Everything will be fine. Stop pacing over procuring potential Pesos.
Scorpio… The Earth is in lateral aspect to Jupiter. You will backpack in your black britches to a backgammon game in Bulgaria.
Sagittarius… Mars’ position isn’t favorable now. Just because you put boulders on everything in your dwelling to keep them from floating away doesn’t mean you have rocks in your head. Or does it?
Capricorn… Stop pulling up your shirt while saying, “My navel is in complete agreement.” People can’t stomach that.
Aquarius… Uranus is in its ninth house. Your habit of talking with your hands is okay, but stop telling people your hands talk back.
Pisces…The Sun forms an antagonistic angle to Jupiter and Venus. Your marriage to a muscadine will be miserable.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”