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Archive for December, 2012

Your HORROR – scope for the week of Dec. 30th, 2012


In case you aren’t aware of the coming change this week,  permit us to remind you that this is the last Horror-scope for the year 2012.

 Hopefully we will continue to provide you with the celestial suggestions for the coming weeks of 2013.

We know some of you cannot wait until midnight to ring in the New Year. For various reasons, others wait in horror for 2013 to arrive.

We relish the challenge of interpreting the planets to bring you the latest life changing information critical to your survival.

The following suggestions for your New Year’s Resolutions should provide you sufficient cause to enjoy or fear the upcoming year which is currently on the cusp, as we in the lofty Astrological trade like to say.

We predict this year will have 365 days of daylight in the day time, and darkness at night. The sun will shine somewhere, and the moon will smile down at us. Rain will reign in some areas, while an Earth parching drought will wet some eyes.

Some will be happy and some will be sad. Some will be angry and some will be mad. Some will strike it rich, while some will sit and bitch (complain).

Some will get happily married, and others will be horribly harried.

You may hitch your wagon to a star, while others languish at a local bar (tavern/pub).

Some will make good choices, others will raise their voices.

Enjoy, and be sure to have a happy new year in spite of future predictions the celestial bodies might provide to guide you in this life for the next 365 days.

Aries… Mars has resolved to write a tell all book about Venus’ secret life. Stop stapling those sandwiches. They are getting caught in your kid’s braces.

Taurus… Mercury is upset that Venus stopped waiving at it when they are near each other in their orbits. Go ahead, stick to your resolution this year. Get that ego transplant.

Gemini… Pluto is planning a New Years Eve Party and is really excited. Resolve to stop doing the Tarzan yell while using the restroom. The animals you are calling keep blocking traffic.

Cancer… Uranus is busy with its resolutions. Heed this warning. Scrap your latest resolution. Shoving a bowling ball up your nose can be very painful.

Leo… Neptune is planning to dis Pluto by not showing up for the party. Your resolution to go green is admirable, but spray painting your body green is going too far. Use a paint brush with good latex instead.

Virgo…The Moon is resolved to look brighter next year.  Hold off on your resolution. In fact forget it. Don’t bother The Pope. He won’t make Lady Gaga or Dennis Miller saints.

Libra…Saturn has resolved to have its rings shined more often. We know you want your loved ones to lose weight, but hiding the ice cream sandwiches in your underwear is a messy proposition.

Scorpio…The Earth is getting ready for the big night this week. Go ahead with your new resolution. Share a ride to work. There’s room for two on that mule.

Sagittarius… Venus is upset about the tell all book Mars is going to write. We advise against your resolution. Why, you ask? Because your friends are just joking. A light bulb a day will not brighten your teeth or your day.

Capricorn…Mercury is not sure about going to Pluto’s New Years Eve Party. Going green in 2013 is an option, but wrapping your kid’s school lunches in their underwear to save wrapping paper is going too far.

Aquarius…Mars hasn’t thought much about next year after the Mayan Calendar prediction. This year live up to your resolution. Be even nicer to all Oompa Loompas.

Pisces…Uranus is resolved to change its name to something more scientific, like Uranium, but that name is already taken. Stop wasting time. Do it this year. Visit the Largest Ball of Twine n Minnesota.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”: “Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Blockbuster Busted by Better Broadband Broadcasting


Blockbuster, a subsidiary of the Dish Network,  ended its streaming video service.

It tried to compete with Netflix, but Dish couldn’t dish up a good product.

I wonder if it went down in a  hail of scrubbing bubbles.

I guess you could say that Dish was dissed.

Hmmm…

Blockbuster is no longer streaming,

Success at it was onlydreaming,

It couldn’t best Netflix,

In spite of its best tricks,

And stock holders can be heard screaming.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL!


We wish you all the happiest holiday season and a fruitful new year.

The best of all to you and yours.

We cannot thank you enough for your loyal support over the past year. Without you, this blog would not continue.

Good luck to all fellow bloggers. May 2013 make all our blogs even better.

Your HORROR – scope for the week of Dec. 23rd, 2012


The planets are up to their old tricks again. They portend many unusual happenings and events in our lives this week. Pay attention. Be alert. Things will occur quickly without warning. 

 

Aries… Mars is in contradiction with itself. You will awaken to find yourself trapped in a Sumo wrestler’s mawashi belt during a match.

Taurus… Neptune is arming itself for battle with Mercury. You will play with a precocious python in Poughkeepsie wearing a plastic pith helmet.

Gemini… The Earth is breathing easier now that the Mayan s were wrong. You will be strummed by a Mummer in Milwaukee.

Cancer… Uranus is trine with our moon. You will have an affair with a foxy feathered flounder in a foundry.

Leo… Pluto is chasing its tail now. You will awaken to find yourself  in therapy over the antics of an angry arctic tern.

Virgo… Mars is meandering at the moment. You will be asked to decorate a dirty dungeon in Dunkirk.

Libra… Jupiter is misaligned right now. You will acquire Aspergers Syndrome after associating with an asthmatic albatross in Arcadia.

Scorpio… Venus is square with Mars. Your heart will begin to race, but it will drop out from exhaustion.

Sagittarius… Uranus is in high orbit now. You will be forced to watch A Christmas Story  (in Swahili) for 24 hours dressed in Dennis Miler’s pajamas.

Capricorn… The Earth is in opposition to the moon now. Be alert this week. Every time you blink your eyes you will find yourself in a different time zone.

Aquarius… Neptune is in a helix now. Get ready for a long vacation. You will awaken to find yourself eating pepperoni pizza on Pangea.

Pisces…Saturn ‘s ring are beginning to tarnish. This week you will experience the Dorian Gray phenomenon for twenty four hours.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Your HORROR – scope for the week of Dec. 16th 2012


The Celestial Sphere is still under the influence of the holiday season. Enjoy…

 

Aries… Mars is out gift shopping now. Beware! You will fly in a frenzy with a floozy.

Taurus…The moon is still deciding what gift to get the Earth. You will stop acting agitated when you remove the hedgehog from your underwear.

Gemini… Saturn is busy gift wrapping now. You will become world famous when you teach your knees how to sneeze.

Cancer… Neptune is having an argument with a merchant over a bad credit card. Stay away from poetry until you fully understand the concept of rhyming.

Leo… Pluto is hoping Santa will make it’s wish come true. It wants to be called a planet again. Remember, don’t get your child a pony. Get a pummel horse. It’s less trouble.

Virgo… The Earth is getting ready for Santa’s ride. Your idea for a theme park based on parallel bars won’t go very far.

Libra… Mercury is out of money and can’t buy Mars a gift. You will have the urge to rent out your pelvis this week. We advise you to wait for a more favorable time to do that.

Scorpio… Neptune is trine with the North Pole now. Unless you like slime, The Visible Slug Doll is a bad idea for an educational toy.

Sagittarius… Venus is finished gift shopping and feels pretty good about it. You will have the urge to coddle a collie while having a cup of coffee with Dennis Miller.

Capricorn… Mars is on the cusp Your idea for an all fiber glass diet will make people cringe.

Aquarius… Saturn is in opposition to Mars again. You will throw away all your duffle bags when you realize you don’t have any duffles.

Pisces… Uranus is square with itself this week. Stay away from all toilet seats. They are out to get you in the end.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Security Schmucks Shock Shocked Shopper


A 44 year old woman was tased when she apparently resisted arrest at a New Hampshire Apple Store.

She wanted to buy more IPhones than the store allowed.

The store had a limit of two.

She supposedly had five phones (and sixteen thousand dollars) in her possession to buy IPhones for her family members in China.

The woman only spoke Chinese which added to the confusion.

How do you say law suit in Chinese?

I guess the poor soul forgot the wise words of Confucius who said, “When buying IPhones, stick to the limit or electric wires will stick to you.”

Hmmm…

An Apple store patron was tased,

Her eyes were all runny and glazed,

She had too many phones,

She made many low moans,

The family is rightly amazed.

Google’s Graciously Giving Ten Grand


Good old Google is now giving up to $10,000. in business loans.

They are hoping to spur interest in their Google Ad business.

They will loan the money if a business subscribes to their ad service.

Hmmm…

Dear Google please give me a loan,

My cash is in the dead zone.

I really need money,

I’m strapped, it’s not funny.

Pay up and I’ll leave you alone.

Your HORROR – scope for the week of Dec. 9th 2012


The planets and celestial bodies are aligned just right this week, especially for the holiday season. They bring you gift suggestions from beyond. Take heed and choose carefully.

Aries… Take the woolly mammoth present off your gift list. They are sold out…again this year.

Taurus… Don’t buy your sweetie another personality. You always buy the wrong size anyway.

Gemini… The perfect gift for that someone special is undoubtedly the ear wax sculpture. Get it while they’re hot.

Cancer… This year, buy the gift that makes a statement. Get a spatula for every room in the house.

Leo… Yes, buy it today. Your honey always wanted to be a pig farmer.

Virgo… This year we recommend you take more time when purchasing that special gift. After all, there are a lot of items in those dollar stores.

Libra… Don’t give your special one money again this year. Your darling already has enough for three Monopoly games.

Scorpio… What a wonderful gift choice you’ve made this year. After all only special people can use a Gum Scraping Gift Certificate.

Sagittarius… Don’t over think this opportunity for a unique gift. No doubt about it, getting a BOGO Pre-paid Funeral deal is dead on.

Capricorn… The stars can’t be wrong. We definitely recommend you buy your loved one the trained eels.

Aquarius… Don’t wait until the last minute. Schedule it today. His and her lobotomies are a no-brainer.

Pisces… You are wise to buy your friend a rectal examination. It’s the perfect gift for a pain in the butt, or for Dennis Miller.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Is Bigger Better?


Get your game on people.

Now you can have the biggest TV in the world designed for gaming. It’s a 160 inch behemoth. And it’s an HDTV as well.

It’s also curved for more enjoyment while gaming.

The game just won’t be the same.

Hmmm…

They now have a gaming TV,

It’s something you just have to see;

A 160 giant,

It’s HD compliant,

A gamer’s what I want to be.

Your HORROR – scope for the week of Dec. 2nd, 2012


Aries… Mars is in retrograde again. Your sloughed skin cell sculpture will be a hit at any dermatological conference.

Taurus… Venus, rules Libra but it may abdicate the throne to marry an ugly commoner. Be sure to wear clean underwear this week. A laughing leprechaun may want to borrow it.

Gemini…Mercury is trine with Jupiter and Mars. You will awaken to find that your circle of friends has turned into an ellipse.

Cancer… The Earth is in its fourth house decorating for the upcoming holidays. Don’t talk too much to a seafood merchant. He may just tell you to clam up.

Leo… Jupiter is aligned with Neptune now. Spiral light bulbs will make you happy this week.

Virgo… Pluto is wants to change orbit and get closer to the Earth. Your friends will say they can’t stomach your idea for a belly button lint filled pillow.

Libra… There is an alignment between Mars and Neptune, but they still need to get their wheels balanced. You will find disappointment this week when your sea monkeys run off and join a circus.

Scorpio… Uranus is on the cusp of  Venus’ orbit now. You will find yourself trapped in a revolving door with a witch-hazel drinking witch doctor from Wichita.

Sagittarius… The moon in its eight house collecting the rent. You will have the uncontrollable urge to read as much as you can about Bo Diddley, Bozo, and Bebe Rebozo.

Capricorn… Saturn is in opposition to Mercury. Don’t mess with Mother Nature or Dennis Miller while on the toilet.

Aquarius… Neptune is square with the Earth. Change your dry cleaner immediately. He’s wants put apple sauce in your argyles.

Pisces…Uranus wants its name changed to something less amusing. You will be exhausted this week when you keep trying to force you shoe onto your chin.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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