Aries… Mars is in retrograde again. Your sloughed skin cell sculpture will be a hit at any dermatological conference.
Taurus… Venus, rules Libra but it may abdicate the throne to marry an ugly commoner. Be sure to wear clean underwear this week. A laughing leprechaun may want to borrow it.
Gemini…Mercury is trine with Jupiter and Mars. You will awaken to find that your circle of friends has turned into an ellipse.
Cancer… The Earth is in its fourth house decorating for the upcoming holidays. Don’t talk too much to a seafood merchant. He may just tell you to clam up.
Leo… Jupiter is aligned with Neptune now. Spiral light bulbs will make you happy this week.
Virgo… Pluto is wants to change orbit and get closer to the Earth. Your friends will say they can’t stomach your idea for a belly button lint filled pillow.
Libra… There is an alignment between Mars and Neptune, but they still need to get their wheels balanced. You will find disappointment this week when your sea monkeys run off and join a circus.
Scorpio… Uranus is on the cusp of Venus’ orbit now. You will find yourself trapped in a revolving door with a witch-hazel drinking witch doctor from Wichita.
Sagittarius… The moon in its eight house collecting the rent. You will have the uncontrollable urge to read as much as you can about Bo Diddley, Bozo, and Bebe Rebozo.
Capricorn… Saturn is in opposition to Mercury. Don’t mess with Mother Nature or Dennis Miller while on the toilet.
Aquarius… Neptune is square with the Earth. Change your dry cleaner immediately. He’s wants put apple sauce in your argyles.
Pisces…Uranus wants its name changed to something less amusing. You will be exhausted this week when you keep trying to force you shoe onto your chin.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”