The planets and celestial bodies are aligned just right this week, especially for the holiday season. They bring you gift suggestions from beyond. Take heed and choose carefully.
Aries… Take the woolly mammoth present off your gift list. They are sold out…again this year.
Taurus… Don’t buy your sweetie another personality. You always buy the wrong size anyway.
Gemini… The perfect gift for that someone special is undoubtedly the ear wax sculpture. Get it while they’re hot.
Cancer… This year, buy the gift that makes a statement. Get a spatula for every room in the house.
Leo… Yes, buy it today. Your honey always wanted to be a pig farmer.
Virgo… This year we recommend you take more time when purchasing that special gift. After all, there are a lot of items in those dollar stores.
Libra… Don’t give your special one money again this year. Your darling already has enough for three Monopoly games.
Scorpio… What a wonderful gift choice you’ve made this year. After all only special people can use a Gum Scraping Gift Certificate.
Sagittarius… Don’t over think this opportunity for a unique gift. No doubt about it, getting a BOGO Pre-paid Funeral deal is dead on.
Capricorn… The stars can’t be wrong. We definitely recommend you buy your loved one the trained eels.
Aquarius… Don’t wait until the last minute. Schedule it today. His and her lobotomies are a no-brainer.
Pisces… You are wise to buy your friend a rectal examination. It’s the perfect gift for a pain in the butt, or for Dennis Miller.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”