The Celestial Sphere is still under the influence of the holiday season. Enjoy…
Aries… Mars is out gift shopping now. Beware! You will fly in a frenzy with a floozy.
Taurus…The moon is still deciding what gift to get the Earth. You will stop acting agitated when you remove the hedgehog from your underwear.
Gemini… Saturn is busy gift wrapping now. You will become world famous when you teach your knees how to sneeze.
Cancer… Neptune is having an argument with a merchant over a bad credit card. Stay away from poetry until you fully understand the concept of rhyming.
Leo… Pluto is hoping Santa will make it’s wish come true. It wants to be called a planet again. Remember, don’t get your child a pony. Get a pummel horse. It’s less trouble.
Virgo… The Earth is getting ready for Santa’s ride. Your idea for a theme park based on parallel bars won’t go very far.
Libra… Mercury is out of money and can’t buy Mars a gift. You will have the urge to rent out your pelvis this week. We advise you to wait for a more favorable time to do that.
Scorpio… Neptune is trine with the North Pole now. Unless you like slime, The Visible Slug Doll is a bad idea for an educational toy.
Sagittarius… Venus is finished gift shopping and feels pretty good about it. You will have the urge to coddle a collie while having a cup of coffee with Dennis Miller.
Capricorn… Mars is on the cusp Your idea for an all fiber glass diet will make people cringe.
Aquarius… Saturn is in opposition to Mars again. You will throw away all your duffle bags when you realize you don’t have any duffles.
Pisces… Uranus is square with itself this week. Stay away from all toilet seats. They are out to get you in the end.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”