The planets are up to their old tricks again. They portend many unusual happenings and events in our lives this week. Pay attention. Be alert. Things will occur quickly without warning.
Aries… Mars is in contradiction with itself. You will awaken to find yourself trapped in a Sumo wrestler’s mawashi belt during a match.
Taurus… Neptune is arming itself for battle with Mercury. You will play with a precocious python in Poughkeepsie wearing a plastic pith helmet.
Gemini… The Earth is breathing easier now that the Mayan s were wrong. You will be strummed by a Mummer in Milwaukee.
Cancer… Uranus is trine with our moon. You will have an affair with a foxy feathered flounder in a foundry.
Leo… Pluto is chasing its tail now. You will awaken to find yourself in therapy over the antics of an angry arctic tern.
Virgo… Mars is meandering at the moment. You will be asked to decorate a dirty dungeon in Dunkirk.
Libra… Jupiter is misaligned right now. You will acquire Aspergers Syndrome after associating with an asthmatic albatross in Arcadia.
Scorpio… Venus is square with Mars. Your heart will begin to race, but it will drop out from exhaustion.
Sagittarius… Uranus is in high orbit now. You will be forced to watch A Christmas Story (in Swahili) for 24 hours dressed in Dennis Miler’s pajamas.
Capricorn… The Earth is in opposition to the moon now. Be alert this week. Every time you blink your eyes you will find yourself in a different time zone.
Aquarius… Neptune is in a helix now. Get ready for a long vacation. You will awaken to find yourself eating pepperoni pizza on Pangea.
Pisces…Saturn ‘s ring are beginning to tarnish. This week you will experience the Dorian Gray phenomenon for twenty four hours.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”