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Archive for January, 2013

Groupon Goes Against Guns, Not Girls


I just got word that Groupon, an American Discount Coupon advertiser, now forbids all LEGAL firearms related businesses from posting their discount coupons.

It includes a prohibition against publishing any coupons for gun safety classes and training.

And, it includes a ban on coupons for LEGAL hunting as well as sport shooting.

BUT…get this…It allows discount coupons for a Walking Tour of San Francisco’s porn studios.

Hmmm…

Groupon hates people with guns,

Away from all gun ads it runs;

But give it some porn,

And coupons will be born,

It forsakes all those guns for hot buns.

© 2013 Ronald J Yarosh

Robot Reporter Retorts for Sports


With the upcoming Super Bowl on the horizon, I thought this item would be appropriate.

 

Some unsatisfied, stat starved spectator has developed a robot containing a nauseating number of sobering sports statistics.

As if we don’t hear an apoplectic amount of them as it is.

Apparently Robbie the Robot Reporter (not its real name) can be used for any game with remarkable results.

I wonder if it gives betting odds for sporting events.

Hmmm…

A regular robot reporter?

I’m not sure I could be a supporter;

It would know all the stats,

Of this and of that,

But it could always become out of order.

Commemorative Day Celebrations


While browsing in a local store which specializes in rare books, I found one which I believe will interest you.

It’s called The Ancient Book of Days.

From what I’ve read (on the internet) the book was originally written in Sanskrit, then later translated into Greek, and finally in English.

On the back cover of the book, I noticed a curious copyright symbol next to the name of a famous greeting card company. Could there be a connection? Hmmm.

The book contains some curious entries and suggestions for Commemorative Day Celebrations. The publication includes proper greeting cards suggestions.

There are also chapters which recommend gifts and “appropriate” decorations for each notable day to be celebrated each year.

I will attempt to chronicle these days in future postings.

I hope you will enjoy them and join in the celebrations and festivities.

My goal is to amuse you with these posts. And, you may even learn something as well.

The first one is called:

National Bring Your Badger To Work Day-Jan 26th

Let’s all celebrate heartily!

For those few of you out there who are not fortunate enough to have a badger, this day may be meaningless.

Of course, if you don’t have a badger of your own, I’m sure you know someone who does, (they are quite popular) so you can celebrate along with those in the know who do own one.

The badger is a member of the weasel family which is why they are most popular among lawyers, politicians, and IRS Agents.

According to Wikipedia, there are 11 species of badgers around the world. Others say there are 7 species. Frankly, does that statistic matter to anyone but badgers? I doubt it.

Badgers apparently have an excellent sense of hearing and smell, but don’t have very good eyesight.

I know this for a fact. I recently saw one at my Optometrist’s office waiting to see the doctor. I guess they are the Mr. Magoos of the forest.

The Ferret Badger may sleep in trees from time to time. So do many human Tree Huggers.

The Indonesian and Palawan Stink Badgers can squirt a foul smelling and terribly tasting substance from their anal glands to deter enemies. That is how they got their name.

Here’s a helpful hint. Never lift a Stink Badger’s tail (Or Dennis Miller’s tail) for any reason.

It was once believed that if a badger stopped in front of you and scratched the ground, you would soon die.

This is true if you are standing in the middle of a busy street or if you jump out of a high flying 747 without a parachute.

It is reported that a badger joined some people for a run and kept up with them for almost 200 feet, winning a marathon race.

The badger was eventually disqualified after it was discovered that she took a subway train to a point just before the finish of the race.

In the children’s book, The Wind in the Willows, a badger is friendly to most of the animals in the forest, including two characters named, Ratty and Mole.

It should be known, that the badger in that book was eventually dissed by the duo when he brought an inappropriate gift to a birthday party.

There are a number of sports teams named after the short legged omnivore, such as The Wisconsin Football Badgers. The Bogotá Badgers and the Beverly Badgers.

What do you bring to a Bring Your Badger To Work Day celebration?

A bag of grubs, or worms would make a nice gift, unless the badger in question is a vegetarian. In that case, bring it a nice tuber or some fresh honey.

For more information on this unique animal, look them up on line.

Hey, I can’t do everything for you.

Cheers!

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

Stupid Screening Scanners Scrapped


According the U.S. Transportation Security Administration (TSA), they will be scrapping those nasty, controversial image scanners at airports.

Well the show is over for those TSA folks.

I guess its back to naughty photos on their cell phones.

Then again, they may be up to something even more cunning and controversial.

For now, it may even speed up those lingering long security lines by a few seconds.

Hmmm…

TSA’s getting rid of the nudes,

We all thought it was really quite rude,

The scanners are toast,

We won, we can boast,

What’s next on their minds that is crude?

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

Your HORROR – scope for the week of Jan. 20th, 2013


This week brings a variety of predictions ready made for your enjoyment.

No batteries needed.

No water to boil.

No trouble or toil

Read on…

Aries… Neptune is rising and on the cusp with the moon. To be safe this week, Aries should avoid all fairies, berries, men who are hairy, and of course all dromedaries.

Taurus…Venus is trine with Mars. Turn your immediate interest toward the sky, a paisley tie, and hair dye. Don’t ask why.

Gemini… Mercury is in its seventh house trying to collect back rent. Your meeting with a platinum blonde will be cancelled when she sells her hair to a precious metals dealer.

Cancer…Saturn is in retrograde again. You will see a ghost offer you a toast on a windy coast.

Leo… Mars is having a bout with the flu. You will give more to Charity soon. Why? Because she will raise her prices.

Virgo… The Earth is at its helix at the moment. You will find yourself in a séance with a salty sailor from Sayreville.

Libra… Pluto is rising now and needs a good stretch. This week your mind will concentrate on a compunction, an unction, a conjunction, and The Dennis Miller Show.

Scorpio… Jupiter is aligned with Venus now. You will become very vexed over a virulent text.

Sagittarius… Uranus is square with Venus now. You will have the compelling urge to do the Macarena in public, in your underwear.

Capricorn… Mercury is in its seventh house. You should look into Google, a bugle and something frugal.

Aquarius…The moon is on the cusp with Mercury. Be aware of a witches curse, an empty purse and a sinister verse.

Pisces… Venus is aligned with the Earth now. You will be injured when you trip over a dangling participle.

 

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Supercomputer’s Startling Super Success


IBM is finishing its development of a super computer that can perform 1.5 quadrillion operations per second.

They say it would take the average person 47 million years to do the same.

That sounds impressive, but I doubt that the average person needs to do 1.5 quadrillion operations per second.

It’s difficult enough for some people to walk and chew gum at the same time.

I just wish that computer makers would make a computer that wouldn’t go wacky 1.5 quadrillion times a day.

Hmmm…

One point five quadrillion operations?

That took a lot of dedication,

Forty seven million years?

With a lot of sweat and tears.

It’s IBM’s latest sensation.

Your HORROR – scope for the week of Jan. 13th, 2013


This week the planets in the Celestial Sphere were a bit more difficult to interpret, but we managed to get it done.

We hope these forecasts will alert you in sufficient time to avoid any unfortunate outcomes.

Thank you for following our predictions.

Stay alert.

 

Aries… Venus is on the cusp with Mars. You will have the urge to float, buy a boat, and gloat

Taurus… Mercury is rising now, especially in the Southern Hemisphere.  This week, you may be troubled by a lounge lizard, a computer wizard, and a chicken gizzard.

Gemini…  Uranus is in retrograde now. Taking your medicine with a spoonful of sugar is fine, but stop swallowing the spoons.

Cancer… Mars is trine with the Earth now. This week you may encounter a box, some locks, a variety of clocks, and the Dennis Miller Show Call Screener.

Leo… Jupiter is aligned with the Moon. This week, be aware of your shins, and evil twin, and a crazy grin.

Virgo… Saturn is square with Mars. Stop shouting, “Wombats are wonderful” in social situations.

Libra… The sun is trine with Venus now. You will feel much discomfort after swallowing a flugelhorn.

Scorpio… The Earth is in its seventh house at the moment conferring with a realtor. You should know that your family loves you, but not as much as late night snacking.

Sagittarius… Pluto is trine with itself for some reason. This week, turn your attention toward a waiter, a gator, and The Equator

Capricorn… Uranus is in a favorable alignment with Venus now. This week you will find love in a cul de sac in Hackensack.

Aquarius… The moon is in transit now. You will awaken to find yourself trapped in an episode of a Sit-Com called, The Nanny.

Pisces…Neptune is in retrograde this week. Heed this advice. Stop bothering yourself. Otherwise, you won’t get anything done.

 

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Your HORROR – scope for the week of Jan. 6th, 2013


This is the week to be aware of unexpected events in your life.

We hope you will cope with whatever transpires.

Be strong. Be brave. And most of all…behave.

 

Aries… The moon is in its ninth house checking on a plumbing problem. That is not good. Sometime this week, you awaken to find yourself a lonely tadpole in a pond full of hungry fish.

Taurus… Neptune is square with Mercury now after being oval. The votes have been tabulated. Here is the committee’s response. Your idea for a theme park based on accounting principles just doesn’t add up.

Gemini… Mars is becoming itchy due to an allergic reaction to the new rover running about. Beware! Your attempt to drive viewers to your web site will fail when you experience car trouble.

Cancer… Saturn is trine with the Earth right now. This week expect to become flagrantly flamboyant over flambé in Florence.

Leo… Uranus is still in court petitioning a judge to have its name changed (see last week’s prediction). This week you will have the urge to shout the word chutney repeatedly when you find yourself in crowded situations.

Scorpio…Venus is avoiding the sun as much as possible due to a rash that is forming near its poles. A solution to your problem has been found.  Everything will be fine when you stop bobbing and weaving.

Virgo… Mars is fuming over a remark made by Pluto which we can’t divulge at this time. A future surgery will go terribly wrong when the surgeon leaves an instrument in your body. You will be horrified and sue him when you realize it’s a tuba.

Libra… The Earth is in its seventh house awaiting the outcome of the Fiscal Cliff deliberations in the USA. You will get hit in the head with a golf ball when you search for a diamond in the rough.

Scorpio… Pluto has fleas again. This forebodes disaster. You will die of old age, or a bullet wound. It could go either way.

Sagittarius… Mercury is rising to the occasion. You will visit the Dalai Lama and attempt to play dress up with him.

Capricorn… Jupiter is in declination now. This week, beware of a dryer, a flier, a Town Crier, and a dangling wire.

Aquarius… The sun is thinking about seeing a Dermatologist concerning its spots. Stay away from all foods containing a vowel in their spelling.

Pisces…Venus is upset over a cable bill and is considering satellite TV instead. Stop doing your impression of Denis Miller, you sound like Sponge Bob Square Pants.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”: 

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.

HAPPY NEW YEAR


HAPPY NEW YEAR  to all fellow bloggers in the blogosphere, in all hemispheres.

I trust that you survived another New Years Eve and all that it entailed.

 

I hope you got your new resolutions in order.

I have several private resolutions in the works.

My public resolutions include but are not limited to the following:

I resolve to keep writing this blog and other projects.

I resolve to do more posting this year.

I resolve to comment more on your posts.

I resolve to work harder and be more creative.

I resolve to publish several humor books which are in the making.

I resolve to promote my eBook currently on Amazon.

I resolve to have more resolve, to evolve and get involved.

I resolve to find time to rhyme.

 Hmmm…

We’ve come to another new year,

For some it’s a reason to cheer;

Three hundred and sixty five days,

To be spent in so many ways,

Let’s go forward without any fear.

Thanks,

Many blessings and  good luck to all.

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