This week brings a variety of predictions ready made for your enjoyment.
No batteries needed.
No water to boil.
No trouble or toil
Aries… Neptune is rising and on the cusp with the moon. To be safe this week, Aries should avoid all fairies, berries, men who are hairy, and of course all dromedaries.
Taurus…Venus is trine with Mars. Turn your immediate interest toward the sky, a paisley tie, and hair dye. Don’t ask why.
Gemini… Mercury is in its seventh house trying to collect back rent. Your meeting with a platinum blonde will be cancelled when she sells her hair to a precious metals dealer.
Cancer…Saturn is in retrograde again. You will see a ghost offer you a toast on a windy coast.
Leo… Mars is having a bout with the flu. You will give more to Charity soon. Why? Because she will raise her prices.
Virgo… The Earth is at its helix at the moment. You will find yourself in a séance with a salty sailor from Sayreville.
Libra… Pluto is rising now and needs a good stretch. This week your mind will concentrate on a compunction, an unction, a conjunction, and The Dennis Miller Show.
Scorpio… Jupiter is aligned with Venus now. You will become very vexed over a virulent text.
Sagittarius… Uranus is square with Venus now. You will have the compelling urge to do the Macarena in public, in your underwear.
Capricorn… Mercury is in its seventh house. You should look into Google, a bugle and something frugal.
Aquarius…The moon is on the cusp with Mercury. Be aware of a witches curse, an empty purse and a sinister verse.
Pisces… Venus is aligned with the Earth now. You will be injured when you trip over a dangling participle.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”