Aries… The moon is in its fourth house cleaning up after a party. You will encounter peaches, leeches, screeches, and abandoned beaches.
Taurus…Uranus is rising now. You may want to put some warmth in your life, but baking yourself in a casserole is not the answer.
Gemini…Saturn is in retrograde. Now that you have stopped borrowing, your family wants you to stop burrowing.
Cancer…Mars is on the cusp of the Moon. As much as you’d like to believe it, building a boat out of sand paper will not necessarily result in smooth sailing.
Leo…Mercury is in opposition to Uranus now. Be extra cautious when going to bed this week. You have a tendency to hibernate.
Virgo… The Earth is trine with Neptune now. You will suddenly turn mean, then green, while in a mezzanine.
Libra…Pluto is in retrograde. You have a future in mosquito washing. Get going.
Scorpio… Mercury is trine and favorable to Scorpios. You will awaken to find you are discontinued.
Sagittarius…Venus is in its fifth house waiting for a realtor. You will be accused of coloring outside the lines of a Dennis Miller sketch.
Capricorn…Jupiter is in hyperbolic now. A FEDEX employee will accuse you of thinking out of the box.
Aquarius…Saturn is rising now. Beware of a crusty barnacle, a broken monocle, and a red popsicle.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.