What can we say? This week’s prognostications proffer perfectly prolific predictions promising plenty of perusals for your pleasure.
Aries… Saturn is leaving its fourth house due to termites. Look out for a pirate’s booty, a little cutie, and someone rude named Rudy.
Taurus…Venus is on the cusp with Leo. You will find true happiness in mutton chops.
Gemini… Mars is in retrograde at the moment. Your dream of waking up next to Dennis Miller will come true but you will find yourself in a jail cell.
Cancer…The Earth is approaching its perigee now. Be aware of negative connotations, final destinations, and sticky situations.
Leo… Uranus is nearing its seventh house for a drive by inspection. Watch out for a large slippery toad who wishes to eat you alamode.
Virgo… Pluto is in retrograde. You will be green with envy, but envy will return to its natural color and you will still be green.
Libra… Neptune is aligned with the latest in fashion. You will have the inclination to immerse your yoga instructor in yogurt.
Scorpio… The Moon is rising now in conjunction with Uranus. You definitely have a future in follicle art.
Sagittarius… Saturn is on the cusp with Cancer. You will be fascinated by a large yacht, a puckish polyglot, and a flowering Forget-me-not.
Capricorn… Venus is trine with the Moon. You will be trapped in a mall with a survey taker who is really a faker.
Aquarius… Neptune is increasing its orbit now. Watch out for a Toll Taker, a cocky baker, and a pedantic pizza maker.
Pisces… The sun is approaching the cusp with Venus. You will be prone to constantly pronounce Poo Poo Platter in public.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.