There is weirdness and wonderment in the Celestial Sphere this week.
Some of you may be happy with the outcome.
Many of you won’t.
But, don’t blame us for any misfortune you may encounter.
Blame the heavenly bodies which control your every action and reaction.
Aries… Venus is in retrograde at this time. You will find the weight you lost. It will appear in unflattering places.
Taurus… Mercury is rising now. Be careful this week. A Foley Artist wants to sound you out.
Gemini… The moon is in its perigee now. You will go deep in debt if you buy wedding gifts for seven brides for seven brothers.
Cancer… Neptune is in its fourth house meeting prospective buyers. Don’t be surprised when people mistake you for a thesaurus.
Leo…Saturn is on the cusp with Mars. Be wise. Don’t let a flamenco dancer step all over you.
Virgo… Uranus is rising at the moment. You will be stalked by a furtive futon while listening to The Dennis Miller Radio Show.
Libra… Mars is on the cusp with Venus. Your family will not be happy when you announce your engagement to a Furby.
Scorpio… The Earth is in its seventh house meeting with a Realtor. You will be swept off your feet by a chimney sweep.
Sagittarius…Pluto is in retrograde at this time. Your life will become as complicated as an Escher drawing.
Capricorn…Venus is rising now. Don’t be surprised when you discover that your fisherman lover is a hooker.
Aquarius…The moon is in its fourth house at the mment. You will soon become very familiar with a tape worm. And you will not measure up to the challenge.
Pisces…Mars is in retrograde and on the cusp with Venus. Be aware of a floundering flounder, a rowdy rounder, and a brash bounder.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.