Aries… The Sun is in retrograde now. Be careful around a risqué ring, a medical sling, and some blinding bling.
Taurus… Mars is on the cusp of its seventh house at this time. You should be aware that sucking on electrons will lead to negativity.
Gemini… Saturn is rising this week. You will awaken to find yourself in a table of contents.
Cancer… Venus is square with Mars. Be aware of a sizzling steak, a forgotten rake and a minor earth quake.
Leo… Mercury is unusually hot this week due to solar activity. You will be scorned when you attempt to take the rumpus out of the rumpus room.
Virgo… Uranus is in its fourth house welcoming new renters. You will lose a law suit over a Zoot suit. Dennis Miller will be the plaintiff.
Libra… The Moon is rising at this time. Remember this: Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
Scorpio… Jupiter is square with a celestial triangle. You will encounter a fairy tale, a beached whale, and a flagon of ale.
Sagittarius… Mars is on the cusp of its seventh house. Watch for a bore, a door, and a musical score.
Capricorn… Pluto is in retrograde. This week be aware of your follicles, your cuticles, and some obstacles.
Aquarius… Neptune is now out of tune. Be cautious. They are out to remove your brain and fill your head with Fiddle Faddle.
Pisces…Uranus is in its fourth house now. You will awaken to discover you have become somewhat of a shifty shucker.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.