Aries… The Moon is in its seventh house. People are conspiring to have your bones removed.
Taurus… Mercury is rising now. You will have frogs legs at lunch. Later your legs will change back to normal.
Gemini… The Earth is in its fifth house this week. Someone wants to warm the cockles of your heart. Don’t let them. They want to do it with a flame thrower.
Cancer… Venus is in opposition to the Earth now. Watch out for ghostly gables, jumper cables, and someone telling ancient fables.
Leo… Pluto is square with the moon. Sorry your information is incorrect. Sea otters eat abalone not fried baloney. Tell that to Dennis Miller.
Virgo… Saturn is descending now. You will awaken to find yourself unplugged.
Libra… Uranus is in its eighth house. You will have a tendency to be lean, mean and consume some Mr. Clean.
Scorpio… Neptune is at right angles to Venus. Watch out for a cleege light, a menacing mosquito bite, and an over active overbite.
Sagittarius… Mars is square with a right triangle. Be aware of fairies, canaries, and dromedaries.
Capricorn… Mercury is on the cusp now with the Moon. Careful. Someone wants to dismantle you and put up a high rise building.
Aquarius… Pluto is not favorable to all Aquarians. A Realtor you know will turn out to be a groundhog.
Pisces…The Earth is rising now. Your idea for a theme park based on foot orthotics will not go anywhere.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.