Your HORROR – scope for the week of April 21st, 2013
The celestial sphere is abounding with portends for us all.
You should be especially cautious this week and be on the alert.
This is especially true if there is a warning for you.
In truth, all actions have their consequences whether it be by karma, or a snake charmer.
Aries… Uranus is thinking about subdividing itself. You should be aware that someone wants to enter your cuticles in a beauty pageant.
Taurus… Neptune is wants to change its name to Nep-song. You really need to stop hiding that sock monkey in your underwear drawer.
Gemini… Saturn is still upset because it was stuck in celestial traffic last week. You will awaken to find yourself an ear wax sculptor.
Cancer… The Moon is beginning to wane and is now in gibbous form. Beware. Parasites are plotting against you.
Leo… The Sun his suffering from excess gas, so watch out. You will suddenly awaken to find yourself involved in a love triangle with Dennis Miller and a filet of flounder.
Virgo… Venus is in a bad mood at the moment. It just found out it’s considered an inferior planet. Your idea for a theme park based on laxatives will come to foul end.
Libra… Mars is upset by the number of naked eye observers. It would like some of those eyes covered. You will have the overpowering urge to do a pelvic tilt in public.
Scorpio… Mercury is not happy to find out that its tilt is the smallest of all the planets in our solar system. Your disposition will change when you water and fertilize yourself regularly, and stay out of direct sunlight.
Sagittarius… Jupiter is having itching problems with its big red spot. It might be a rash. Your colonoscopy will soon be shown on YouTube. It will go viral.
Capricorn… The Earth is not happy because it doesn’t like being mooned by the Moon. Word of warning, do not toy with that toxin, especially on toast.
Aquarius… Pluto’s moon, Charon wants to change its name to Sharon because it’s a cooler name. Pluto isn’t happy about that. You will awaken to find that you are co-habitating with a groundhog from Punxsutawney Pennsylvania.
Pisces…Uranus will approach its equinox at some time in the future. Your pet has just one wish. It wants you neutered too.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.
Humorous Interludes by Ron Yarosh 
Your HORROR – scope for the week of April 21st, 2013
This week’s futuristic fortunes all have something in common.
They all have evolved into a triad of rhymed reasonings.
It is due to the juxtaposition of our galaxy with the Ursa Major Galaxy.
You yourselves can observe this phenomenon by gazing at the Northern Sky, preferably at night.
Just squint your eyes and click your ruby slippers three times while whispering, “Why are people staring at me right now?”
As you all know, since you are all so intelligent (Only the intelligent follow our celestial guide), the Ursa Major Galaxy is also known as the Cigar Galaxy.
It’s called that because it contains the finest cigars in the universe.
In fact, that’s where Cuba secretly gets its cigars.
We’re sure you also know that Ursa Major is a Starburst Galaxy prototype.
It is called that because of its love of Starburst Fruit Chews.
You may be thinking, (As all followers of the weekly Horror-scope do), which came first the galaxy or the fruit chews?
Well. It’s the old chicken and the egg conundrum which we won’t get into at the moment.
Enjoy, if it suits your fancy. And enjoy some Starbursts on us.
Aries…The Moon is in its waxing gibbous phase now. Pay attention to a female femur, a licentious lemur and a dandy day dreamer.
Taurus…The Earth is square with Venus now. You interests should lie in roller blades, the Everglades, and some cool Gatorade.
Gemini…Mars is on the cusp with Pluto at this time. Watch out for a glistening gizzard, a lethargic lizard, and a frightful blizzard.
Cancer…Mercury is rising now. You will be occupied with literary loathing, night time boating, bad bloating and the Dennis Miller Radio Show.
Leo…Saturn is in retrograde at this time. You will be surprised by a fragrant iris, a vicious virus and some precious papyrus.
Virgo…Neptune is sextile with Pluto. Be on the alert for a wily waddle, a pine wood paddle and a slippery saddle.
Libra…Saturn is in opposition with Mars. Be aware of a broken toy, some awfully bad soy and a crying baby boy.
Scorpio…Jupiter is trine with Mercury. You will be confronted by a picayune professor, a fashionable dresser, and a forgiving confessor.
Sagittarius…The Sun is aligned with the aspect of itself. This week you will encounter a viscous vowel, a bawdy, barn owl and a tricky trowel.
Capricorn…Pluto is on the cusp of Mars. You will find use for a nifty nun, a no-nonsense nail gun and a hot cross bun.
Aquarius… The Earth is square with Venus now. Beware of things plastic, something elastic, and someone bombastic.
Pisces… Mercury is rising now. Watch out for candied kippers, potent paint strippers and toe nail clippers.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.
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