This week’s futuristic fortunes all have something in common.
They all have evolved into a triad of rhymed reasonings.
It is due to the juxtaposition of our galaxy with the Ursa Major Galaxy.
You yourselves can observe this phenomenon by gazing at the Northern Sky, preferably at night.
Just squint your eyes and click your ruby slippers three times while whispering, “Why are people staring at me right now?”
As you all know, since you are all so intelligent (Only the intelligent follow our celestial guide), the Ursa Major Galaxy is also known as the Cigar Galaxy.
It’s called that because it contains the finest cigars in the universe.
In fact, that’s where Cuba secretly gets its cigars.
We’re sure you also know that Ursa Major is a Starburst Galaxy prototype.
It is called that because of its love of Starburst Fruit Chews.
You may be thinking, (As all followers of the weekly Horror-scope do), which came first the galaxy or the fruit chews?
Well. It’s the old chicken and the egg conundrum which we won’t get into at the moment.
Enjoy, if it suits your fancy. And enjoy some Starbursts on us.
Aries…The Moon is in its waxing gibbous phase now. Pay attention to a female femur, a licentious lemur and a dandy day dreamer.
Taurus…The Earth is square with Venus now. You interests should lie in roller blades, the Everglades, and some cool Gatorade.
Gemini…Mars is on the cusp with Pluto at this time. Watch out for a glistening gizzard, a lethargic lizard, and a frightful blizzard.
Cancer…Mercury is rising now. You will be occupied with literary loathing, night time boating, bad bloating and the Dennis Miller Radio Show.
Leo…Saturn is in retrograde at this time. You will be surprised by a fragrant iris, a vicious virus and some precious papyrus.
Virgo…Neptune is sextile with Pluto. Be on the alert for a wily waddle, a pine wood paddle and a slippery saddle.
Libra…Saturn is in opposition with Mars. Be aware of a broken toy, some awfully bad soy and a crying baby boy.
Scorpio…Jupiter is trine with Mercury. You will be confronted by a picayune professor, a fashionable dresser, and a forgiving confessor.
Sagittarius…The Sun is aligned with the aspect of itself. This week you will encounter a viscous vowel, a bawdy, barn owl and a tricky trowel.
Capricorn…Pluto is on the cusp of Mars. You will find use for a nifty nun, a no-nonsense nail gun and a hot cross bun.
Aquarius… The Earth is square with Venus now. Beware of things plastic, something elastic, and someone bombastic.
Pisces… Mercury is rising now. Watch out for candied kippers, potent paint strippers and toe nail clippers.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.