The celestial sphere is abounding with portends for us all.
You should be especially cautious this week and be on the alert.
This is especially true if there is a warning for you.
In truth, all actions have their consequences whether it be by karma, or a snake charmer.
Aries… Uranus is thinking about subdividing itself. You should be aware that someone wants to enter your cuticles in a beauty pageant.
Taurus… Neptune is wants to change its name to Nep-song. You really need to stop hiding that sock monkey in your underwear drawer.
Gemini… Saturn is still upset because it was stuck in celestial traffic last week. You will awaken to find yourself an ear wax sculptor.
Cancer… The Moon is beginning to wane and is now in gibbous form. Beware. Parasites are plotting against you.
Leo… The Sun his suffering from excess gas, so watch out. You will suddenly awaken to find yourself involved in a love triangle with Dennis Miller and a filet of flounder.
Virgo… Venus is in a bad mood at the moment. It just found out it’s considered an inferior planet. Your idea for a theme park based on laxatives will come to foul end.
Libra… Mars is upset by the number of naked eye observers. It would like some of those eyes covered. You will have the overpowering urge to do a pelvic tilt in public.
Scorpio… Mercury is not happy to find out that its tilt is the smallest of all the planets in our solar system. Your disposition will change when you water and fertilize yourself regularly, and stay out of direct sunlight.
Sagittarius… Jupiter is having itching problems with its big red spot. It might be a rash. Your colonoscopy will soon be shown on YouTube. It will go viral.
Capricorn… The Earth is not happy because it doesn’t like being mooned by the Moon. Word of warning, do not toy with that toxin, especially on toast.
Aquarius… Pluto’s moon, Charon wants to change its name to Sharon because it’s a cooler name. Pluto isn’t happy about that. You will awaken to find that you are co-habitating with a groundhog from Punxsutawney Pennsylvania.
Pisces…Uranus will approach its equinox at some time in the future. Your pet has just one wish. It wants you neutered too.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.
Comments on: "Your HORROR – scope for the week of April 21st, 2013" (4)
It was that or a belly button lint collector.
Gemini – ear wax sculptor – arrrgh!
Thank a bleak baroness that you weren’t entirely correct. I did wake up with a flounder, but it was with Denise Miller.