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After a thorough bout of research into the celestial sphere, we have determined that the planets have arranged themselves in a most peculiar order.

This week, they suggest your involvement with a pet of one sort or another.

Once again, we advise you to be cautious and alert at all times.

Enjoy.

Aries… Saturn is rising at the moment. You will never get your point across until you sleep with a porcupine.

Taurus…Uranus is trine with Mars. You will purchase a Siamese cat which will get so fat you will have to send it to Thigh-Land.

Gemini… Mercury is in apogee now. Your flying squirrel is not lost. It’s just awaiting landing clearance from the FAA.

Cancer… Pluto is on the cusp with Venus. That chipmunk you admire has a secret desire to be a Chippendale Dancer.

Leo… The Earth is square with the Sun. Be on the alert. A tarantula wants to entangle you in a web of intrigue involving Dennis Miller.

Virgo… Mars is in its seventh house now. If you buy that pet rat it, will soon have you running through mazes.

Libra… The Moon is a waxing crescent now. If you get that ferret it will find a fortune and run off with a squirrel.

Scorpio…Jupiter is receding at this time. Be cautious, a rat snake wants to snitch on you.

Sagittarius… Venus is in its fourth house at the moment. Your desire to have your newly rescued greyhound drive a bus is nonsense.

Capricorn… Neptune is in retrograde at the moment. Stop feeding your bird dog Cuttlebones. It’s starting to molt.

Aquarius… Pluto is on the cusp with Venus. We think hiring a surveyor to measure your gerbil trail is going a bit too far.

Pisces…The Sun is getting ready for some hot activity. You shouldn’t sleep with a horse. Every time it whinny’s it will make a poo.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.

Comments on: "Your HORROR – scope for the week of May 12th, 2013" (2)

  1. I wonder if any of Hugh Hefner’s pets will be attended.

  2. “…they suggest your involvement with a pet of one sort or another…”

    This explains why many business and political luminaries are spending a weekend retreat in an exotic island. Due to the highly sensitive nature of the meetings, no spouses and press are involved.

    But a sheikh has offered to fly in planeloads of special assistants of the female, voluptuous and willing kind – all experts in cigar smoking. They will help with the needs of this august gathering. We’re told that many priests are also turning up to give of their holy blessings – they arrive with a planeload of young rosy cheeked men – all choir singers, they claim.

    Priests, politicians and businessmen – what a trinity – pet lovers, all.

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