The Celestial Sphere has worked its wonders again this week.
It has provided a degree of caution for some of you.
It has also managed to offer extraordinary experiences in the days ahead.
Aries… Mars is square with Pluto now. This week you will suddenly stumble, furiously fumble, and minimally mumble.
Taurus… The Earth is trine with Mercury at the moment. You will soon have your say in a séance.
Gemini… Venus is rising now. You will develop an ability to talk to the dead. But, they won’t answer you.
Cancer… Pluto is currently square with Mars. You will consume many pills while drinking Pilsners.
Leo… Saturn is in its fifth house this week. Your idea for a main character for your mystery novel wont’ work. The name Snoopy has already been taken.
Virgo… Uranus is descending now. You will dress a camel in camo.
Libra… Neptune is in its seventh house this week. Beware; your enemies are out to cork you.
Scorpio… Mercury is in retrograde at the moment. Soon you will wake up in a wickiup with Dennis Miller.
Sagittarius… The Sun is quiet this week. Take this advice seriously. Don’t date a dairy farmer, if you do, you will be milked for all you got.
Capricorn… Jupiter is in its third house now. You will have uncontrollable velocity this week.
Aquarius… Virgo is square with Aquarius at this time. You will be occupied with concentration, consternation, and constipation.
Pisces… Pisces is on the cusp with Aries. You will become so fascinated over dangling participles you will start collecting them.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”