Aries… Uranus is in retrograde at this time. If you really need a mentor, make sure it’s an inventor. At least then you’ll get something out of it.
Taurus… Venus is on the cusp of its seventh house at this time. Don’t get sucked in by a vacuum salesperson.
Gemini… Mars is square with the Moon now. A word of advice. Even though you have the urge, never kiss a meteorite in flight, or Dennis Miller at night.
Cancer… The Earth is nearing its perigee. If you’re going to work your fingers to the bone be sure to avoid all dogs.
Leo… Pluto is trine with its fourth house. Your life will become less complicated when you only speak in one word sentences.
Virgo… Mercury is rising now. You will awaken to find barnacles on your buttocks.
Libra… The Moon is waning now. Your affinity for bunions in sautéed onions is turning people off.
Scorpio… Jupiter is in retrograde at the moment. You will have the uncontrollable urge to throw out colloquialisms in public conversations with verve and gusto.
Sagittarius… Venus is square with Mars now. Don’t panic. You will have a craving for apple pan doughty with Peter Pan peanut butter.
Capricorn… The Sun is quiet at this time. You’ re not going Postal. You’re going Dental. You will have the urge to rinse and spit in public.
Aquarius… Neptune is in its fifth house at the moment. Be prepared. You will soon SCUBA dive with Scooby Doo.
Pisces…Mercury is rising now. You will suddenly fall in love with a nocturnal being.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.