Aries… Mars is waning now and is not happy. This week, stay away from a slimy leech, a rotten peach, and a stormy beach.
Taurus… Uranus is trine with the moon. It probably isn’t a wise decision to have your gold fish neutered.
Gemini… Saturn is visiting the Ringling Museum this week. Like, “The Beatles”, you may believe in yesterday, but the fun starts tomorrow.
Cancer… Neptune is in its eight house watching, “House”. You will become visibly embarrassed when you hear the word “bodice” mentioned in conversation.
Leo… The Earth is in retrograde at the moment. You will suffer consternation over your sudden constipation.
Virgo… Venus is rising at this time. No matter where you look, or what you do, you will find yourself in the longest line.
Libra… Pluto is influencing your star chart at the moment. A future date will be a real charmer. A snake charmer. Your best bet is to serpentine out of there.
Scorpio… Jupiter is aligned with Mars now. You will be disheartened to discover you cannot rhyme with yourself.
Sagittarius…Mercury is in perigee at the moment. Beware of chapped lips, large hips, and beef tips.
Capricorn… The sun is getting ready to release a lot of excess gas. Beware. It’s a waste of time to look for pity from a pirate in Pittsburgh.
Aquarius… The Cosmos is in near chaos now. You will awaken to discover that your biology is missing. Dennis Miller is the culprit.
Pisces…The yet to be discovered, Three Toed Toad Nebula will affect your decisions this week. You will meet a metallurgist with a heart of gold.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.