The celestial sphere is actively expanding just as the universe is expanding.
Every now and then, if you listen closely, you will hear a little murmur from a growing pain. It’s nothing to worry about. Then again, one never knows about these things.
The predictions this week are wide and varied.
We hope you fair well…
Aries… Neptune is tuning up at the moment. We know you want to preserve the snow men you built over the years, but your freezer is getting crowded.
Taurus… Saturn is visiting Ringling Brothers this week. It’s time to trim your cuticles but not with that nail gun.
Gemini… The Earth is approaching its summer solstice now. It may be a cheaper operation, but don’t let a plumber repair your heart valve. You don’t know where his hands have been.
Cancer… Mercury is having another airless summer. It’s time to cash in your chips and get rid of those late night snacks.
Leo… Venus is in transit now and will ride to the end of the line. This week your interests should lie in pencils, Pennsylvania, and Penn & Teller.
Virgo… Mars is upset that the latest Rover didn’t bring a gift when it landed. Do not bathe in sheep dip this week. Wait until next week.
Libra… Uranus is now experiencing twenty one year’s of daytime in its orbit. You will talk in your sleep and sound like Moms Mably.
Scorpio… The Moon is in Virgo now. You will awaken to find that you have scribbled the Russian alphabet on your bed sheets with an indelible marker.
Sagittarius… The Comet C/2012 S1 (ISON) is racing toward Sun now. Your family is right. Stop horsing around. You can’t marry a riding crop.
Capricorn… Pluto is sad because its days just drag on. (One of its days is equal to 6 Earth days, 9 hours and 17 minutes.) A word of advice is in order this week. You won’t find the “Missing Link” in a chain gang.
Aquarius… Mars is in Aquarius at this time and is having fun. Beware; the balloonist you wish to date is an air head. (Worse than Dennis Miller.)
Pisces…Saturn is ascending in Pices and is getting a little light headed. A ganglion of nerves is out to make your life miserable.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”